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Sex, Love, And Psych
Sex, Love, And Psych

Episode · 8 months ago

Episode 30: Relationship Deal Makers and Breakers

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

A discussion around some relationship makers and deal breakers sent in by listeners, why these might be placed in these categories and a special shout out to my older brother and his new wife! 

I wanted to start off this week's episode by thanking everyone for allowing me the freedom to have two weeks off of the podcast. I know I've kind of went just a mia the past couple weeks. I've only made out like a post or two about the podcast, but I just really needed to take some space. I've had the last two weeks off of school as well, so I really just wanted to focus on other things going on in my life, clean up my apartment a bit, just the regular enjoy friendship time, enjoy family time. It's been absolutely great to enjoy this time off of school and just allow myself to not be insanely busy. But today I want to get jumped back into the podcast. Sex, love and psych episode thirty. I did want to do something a little bit special today. We're going to cover deal makers and breakers and jump in a little bit deeper into that kind of why we set our standards, what how we should deal with them, etcetera, etc. A lot of these deal makers and breakers were sent in by friends of mine on Instagram and facebook. I did create a couple polls there, so keep your eyes on my facebook and instagram and sometimes snapchat, for polls if you want to be part of the conversation and part of podcast through your answers. So some deal makers that were sent in were trust. I got communication twice, emotional competence, honesty, mutual respect, someone open minded, on the same page when it comes to Lgbtqia plus people and human rights issues. Some deal breakers I got were mind games, racist, homophobic, etc. Type Jokes. unaccepting of friends and family having kids but not being...

...in their lives or effectively called parenting, was a big red flagged deal breaker. From one person being a serial killer obviously a deal breaker. No Chemistry and lack of trust were also deal breakers that were sent in. I did notice that all of those answers were sent in by friends of mine in their S S, like mid to late s early s approximately. I think that that is really, really well reflected in the answers given. Ten years ago, when I was seventeen, if I would have asked the other people in my age group what they were looking for, I think I would have got some of these same answers, but maybe not all of them, and I think that really just reflects the maturity and Growth and priorities that change and growth throughout our lives. I also think that, unfortunately, a lot of these can be con seemed difficult to establish in a world of essentially speed dating on dating APPs. The endless possibilities at our fingertips do that access given by social media, so dating APPs, Instagram, facebook, we're constantly berated with this parade of people who are popping into our dms, who are swiping right on us, who we can swipe right on. It can kind of make things that are important to us feel tough to achieve, like that communication respect. Those really deep foundational things can be hard to grasp when all of your communication starts through DMS or you don't see that person in in person enough and you're just are relying on text messages. That can be hard to read emotion through. Maybe the other person isn't on their phone as much or doesn't communicate as...

...effectively over text message. It can be hard to establish some of these deeper foundations when that's what you have to work with and especially with all of these other options at your fingertips. It can be tough to establish that study foundation of trust and mutual respect when we have hundreds more people that we can swipe or we always have that option in the back of our head. If this person fucks up, if this person gives me the wrong signal, if this person says the wrong thing, I have hundreds of other people. And then, on the kind of flip side of that, we know that they have the same option. It can be hard to put your trust in someone when you know they also have hundreds of people available at their fingertips. Maybe they have a bunch of friends on snapchat or instagram that they can just delete the messages. It can be really, really hard to trust someone based on our own insecurities. Are Past Trauma, as we talked about in a past relationship trauma episode. Vulnerability wasn't listed in the answers given, but I feel like it goes hand in hand with communication, trust and respect and those kind of all Mesh together and vulnerability in this realm of leaving before they leave, you having a roster of options, not being the one to become too invested or fall in love first or all of these call her daddy mind games. Sorry to shade that podcast, but it's good for entertainment. I don't think it's great for education or healthy relationships. I'm just going to throw that out there. But in this world of these mind games and not being invested before the other person and just always keeping your options open, it can be really, really hard to establish vulnerability going either way. We're scared to be the first...

...ones to take the jump. We're scared that they're going to leave and ghost us because we've been ghosted so many times before before. So we build up these walls and we kind of crush that vulnerability inside us and say it's not coming out again. Unfortunately, I don't have all of the answers on how to solve any of these issues quite yet. Maybe I'll get back to you when I somehow magically have all the answers. But with that being said, right now, though, I would say that your best bet to find those things that are most important to you is to make a list. figure out those things that are most important to you versus the things that are kind of more like would like but don't need. Give people some more wiggle room on the wants instead of the needs. Start modeling the behavior that you want to see in others. So if you want someone to be vulnerable and communicate with you and be honest with you, you're going to have to start being vulnerable, communicating and being honest, even if it fucking sucks a lot of the time. Because how are you supposed to get that if you're not putting it out there, if you're not setting that precedent, they're probably not going to feel comfortable returning it. So pix those very, very most important things. Give some wiggle room on the less important things. Model the behavior you want to see and with those big things, don't settle for someone who's fucking around giving you less. If you want honest communication and vulnerability, don't settle for someone who's giving you mind games. It's not going to work out long term. You're going to wind up presenting it, you're going to wind up putting so much of your energy into a person that just doesn't care or doesn't have the same values as you, and that's not what you're looking for. Be...

Patient, work on yourself while you wait for this person. Don't just try and like throw it at every single person you're talking to. You that's not gonna that's going to exhaust you, it's not going to be very effective. So just start modeling those behaviors, but protect your energy as well, which can be a really tough balance. Sorry, I don't have all the answers on that either, but I would like to take this time to blame a couple people for my high standards and why I'm still single. I have already told him this, but more specifically, the people I'm blaming right now are my older brother Caleb and his new wife Lea, absolutely wonderful people, but I have decided that I will start blaming them. I had the pleasure of, I'm seeing their wedding along with my little brother this past weekend and just through the process of watching how they interacted, listening to all the genuinely beautiful things they had to say about each other in their vows and what other people, like their friends and family, had to say about them and their relationship and the example they set throughout the wedding toasts at the reception, just truly work to confirm something that I suspected from observing them these past few years. That and this suspicion that this whole wedding confirmed for me is that, although it's rare, a relationship full of love, mutual respect adoration for each other and that adoration outwardly extending to everyone in their vicinity is possible and it's beautiful and it's to be sought after. Although my older brother, Caleb and I weren't as close in the first couple years that they were together, so I kind of missed some of their beginning of their relationship because we were just living...

...our own separate lives, since I moved back to Edmonton about three years ago, I have really got to watch them grow together and just love each other and it's been absolutely wonderful. Even in his moments of frustration, inventing, because we all do that. No, no one is happy all the time. Even in those moments, though, he always spoke of Leah and their relationship with so, so much respect and love and even like outward people that may have been affecting parts of their relationship, he still had so, so much respect and love for everyone that she had respect and love for, and that has been absolutely amazing to see. Leah also mentioned in her vows the time that Caleb came to meet me at the hospital at two in the morning when I broke my leg and called him up in the middle of the night as an example of how caring he is, and I'll forever be thankful that he showed up that night. He was beside me every day for hours on end. Called Mental Works and told them like no, I'm not coming in today, my sister's in the hospital. I got to be there with her. He spent hours comforting me when I was screaming and crying and pain, just chatting with me, helping look after me, making sure the nurses were looking after me and fielding all the communication with our parents about what was going on with me, surgery, all of that fun stuff. But one thing Leah left out of her vows is the fat that she was there first thing that morning, not to in the morning, but I think she came at like thirty ten ish and a few more times throughout the four and a half days I was in the hospital, not only checking on how I was doing,...

...which I absolutely appreciated. She was super supportive, asking me if I had cried yet. The whole time it's having a really making me laugh and checking on me, but also she that first morning she brought him coffee and breakfast checked on how he was doing. I know that every time, every day that he went home, he carried a lot of the stress from seeing me in the hospital dealing with everyone's questions for four and a half days because I couldn't, and she made sure that he was looked after and supported and cared for and felt safe to unload that kind of stress and stuff when he got home instead of returning it back to me, and I super, super appreciate Leah for that. She has always caleb is a big career and will always look after everybody else, and so does Leah. But I really appreciate that when one person is looking after someone else, the other one, it's supporting that person and that is such an important thing that I've got to witness. I've also witnessed how much they care for others, whether it be inviting me for supper all the time, paying me too much for haircuts, opening their doors to friends and family, helping others with their gardens, sewing hemming my dress or a million other examples. They do it all with smiles and they do it as a team. They said, such a beautiful example of what a healthy and thriving relationship looks like, and I'll continue to hold out for that level of love, respect and communication and adoration that I see them give to each other. So to Caleb and Leah, I'm going to send this to you specifically, so hopefully you will be listening to this at some point. But thank you for sending such a me, a beautiful example, and for always being there for me and supporting me together. Kay Little Bit's...

...kind of your job, is my brother, but you've definitely stepped up way beyond that. And Leah, thank you so much for supporting me and helping Caleb support me when he's stressed out trying to deal with all of my life trauma. I really, really appreciate you both. For anyone else that's listening, sorry for the tangent, not really sorry. I didn't really get to make I didn't take the time to make a speech at the wedding. I probably could have, as I'm see, but that was just not on my agenda. So thank you for bearing with me as I kind of layout what my deal makers and breakers are and using Kilib and Leah as an example. And for everyone other than Caliban Lea, stick to what's most important to you. Stick to those really really important things, model it and don't g get caught up in the bullshit, because that really, really good shit is possible. It's out there. Just stop settling for all the garbage and stop not only settling for the garbage, but also stopped pushing away decent possibilities because they don't meet some of your maybe's, because I feel like that's an issue too. Um. With that being said, carlow emotional halfway through there, but I felt that this was a good way to celebrate episode number thirty of sex, love and psych, celebrate the beautiful wedding that I got to attend last week and be a part of, and just kind of sum up a lot of what I stand for with sex, love and psych, that communication, that honesty, that adoration, that mutual love and respect. So I invite everyone listening to continue to look for that, not settle when they're not meeting...

...the big things, but maybe leave a little wiggle room on the little things. Thank you so much for tuning in again this week. Thank you again for giving me two weeks off. I truly truly appreciate everyone who sticks by me throughout this and I have a great next couple week episodes planned, so make sure you tune in for those. Thanks so much. Bite.

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