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Sex, Love, And Psych
Sex, Love, And Psych

Episode 42 · 3 months ago

Episode 41: Aftercare

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

As fun as kinky sex can be, it can also be incredibly intense and leave us with some physical and psychological repurcussions. Aftercare is all about minimizing the potentially negative reactions we may have. While it is a predominantly kink-centric practice, anyone engaging in any sexual activity can benefit from proper aftercare, so this episode is for everyone! 

Hello and welcome to today's episode of Sex, Loft and psych thank you so much for tuning in. Before we jump into today's topic, just a little housekeeping. I know I haven't been as consistent with weekly episodes in quite a while. Thank you all for bearing with me. It's just been a process where I've done a lot of episodes now and I'm trying to be really picky about what topics that cover, because I want to cover topics that I'm passionate about, because when I pick topics that I feel kind of mediocre about, the episodes just aren't great. So, without being said, today's episode is one that I am very, very passionate about and very excited to share. So it's all about after care. When you Google just the word after care, or like after care definition, the first results that will pop up are in reference to a patient in the hospital, like in my experience with post surgery after care. It included giving me water, checking in with me to ask how my pain was doing, giving me medication to manage that pain, making sure that we got it to a manageable level before I left, getting me extra blankets to keep me warm, calling my support person who, at my most recent surgery was my mom to come and just hang out with me for the time that I was in the hospital and to drive me home. They also gave me all of the information I needed to look after myself in a little pamphlet and I answered any and all the questions that I had to make sure that I was confident and comfortable leaving the hospital. So what does this have to do with sex, love or psychology? Uh, if you kind of tweak that low google search a little bit and you type in like after care sex or after Kink, you will get after here is the process...

...of attending to one another after intense feelings of a physical or psychological nature relating to b d s M activities. So after Karen, sex is predominantly a concept found in kink and B D s some communities. As mentioned in that definition, as well as a previous episode I did way back when it was the thinks on Kink's episode, I did briefly mention the meaning, but I really want to dig into it today. So, as stated, B D s some communities consider it so important due to the intensity of kink practices and the psychological, physical and physiological reactions we can have to such intensity. So just to kind of get into the physiological bit a little bit, during any type of sexual activity, whether it's Kinky or not, hormones like oxytocin, dopamine and vass oppression are released into our systems. So those are all like the feel good, feel connected, feel kind of Lovey Derby. All of those hormones are released into a systems, which can cause some pretty big reactions that need to be kind of paid attention to. And then when you place that all in the context of a potentially long and physically exhausting kink session and the adrenaline rush that can come with that, it becomes even more important. For example, in dominant and submissive play, it can be a mental marathon for both or all. I'll probably reference the term both a lot, but you can sub in all, because we all know that kink can have more than one or two people anyway. Continuing for all people involved, as they play so strongly into those rules and playing into a really dominant role or really...

...really submissive role could include doing things that a person would never do or say outside of the context of this close kink practice. With this and other kink practices, someone may become physically exhausted or sore as well. Like, physically as well, they may be abound in an uncomfortable position for an extended amount of time. They may have been on the receiving end of some impact play with like belts or UM hands, like spankings, anything kind of like that. WHIPS, floggers, they're real and as a result of this, they may have bruises or other marks. Forming they could or they could be the one administering this impact and get tired out. Uh, there's a never ending list of possibilities of the physical, physiological and psychological reactions that we can have to these types of cank activities. Due to those hormone releases that we chatted about already and including that adrenaline, we could be able to take more or have a higher tolerance to these types of physical pain and the psychological effects than we could in any other context, especially if we have had proper for play. So by that I mean if we have properly kind of eased ourselves into the kink play, we've had that proper communications start off, the start, where we've discussed what's going to happen. We feel safe, we feel confident, we are amped up, we are ready to go. Uh. If all of that has happened, then as we get further and further into a scene or whatever you want to call it, a sexual activity, our pain...

...tolerance can go higher and higher as we get more and more excited and that adrenaline kick sing our pain. We can take a bit more Um and kind of getting hopped up on those hormones, getting wrapped up and like all excited, can also kind of bring that inhibition down a little bit. So once a scene is wrapped, once we are finished, we have both or all parties have agreed that we are done, we can get that kind of fade crash kind of experience and we're left sometimes left with that post not clarity that you hear dudes talking about all the time. Girls can get it too, but you have to have a really fun time in order to get it, and that doesn't always happen. If you think it does, check out the orgasm gap episode again. Um. But anyway, that's a different conversation. We can and get that post that clarity. The physical pain can all of a sudden hurt a lot lot more when we're not wrapped up in the excitement and adrenaline and we often have the tendency that the further away we get time wise from the event, we tend to look back on the experience. Obviously we remember it, but as as we get more time and more of that come down from that adrenaline, we kind of that whole lens of inhibition and sexy fun kind of kind of fade away and that sense of shame that we've talked about before that a lot of us have around sex and sexuality and especially a lot of king practices that were told to feel shameful about Um that since that lens of shame, it may be coming back. Our inhibitions are coming back. We may be judging ourselves, we may be judging the person that we or people that we did us with, even though we had a really,...

...really great time and we loved it. We can look back and kind of over analyze it and that can be kind of tough. So what can we do to negate some of these post sex blues? How can we take care of that sudden pain that's rushing in all of a sudden wants to adrenaline fade Um. What can we do? We can do after care. So aftercare is going to have a lot of individual variants, as different people in different experiences need different aftercare. You wouldn't give the same type of medical aftercare for broken toe as you would to someone who just gave birth. So very, very different situations. Different people are going to need different things. As always, I fully recommend communication before and after sex, so not only clarifying boundaries before any sexual encounter, especially if it's can't related Um, but also what you need and what your partner may need after, like what makes them feel best, how do they feel the safest? What do you? What do you they think they need? Come up with some ideas for after Um, and this is really important because you could assume that your partner wants it's one thing and they could want or need something completely different. So again I always recommend that communication, but some suggestions are ideas just to discuss, maybe rate with each other where you stand on all of these things. Could kind of help get a idea of what you both want to need Um. So one would be cuddling or taking space. This is going to be one that has a lot of variants between individuals. Some people, after sex, especially after a really the intense scene, really just want to be held. They...

...want those kisses, they want that closeness, they want the intimacy. Some people just need their own space, and both are valid. Both are fine and normal. As long as you're communicating with each other, totally okay and normal. Some people I always recommend, but some people might not want to talk right after Um. But Communication Post Sex, you can talk about what you liked, which you didn't like, especially if you've tried some new things. Be Like, Oh, I kind of thought I would like this more, but it's really not one of my favorites. Maybe we can leave that out next time. Or Wow, that felt even better than I thought. I would like add that to the fucking list of ship we want to do one a more regular racist or even just complimenting your partner Um, especially if things like degradation or like name calling are involved. Bringing it back to complimenting your partner might be something that's really helpful for them. So maybe ask how they'd feel about it. And I shower bath to wash each other and maintain and maintain that intimacy could be really, really positive for both of you. It could be something that one of you maybe doesn't want to do, or you could maybe want to bathe or shower separately. Again, totally up to the individuals, but it's something to discuss for sure. One super important one snacks on hydrate, especially if it's a really intense scene, there is any physical play, it went on for a long time, you're gonna want a bucket of water and you're gonna want a bunch of snacks. Maybe communicate with your partners see what kind of snacks they enjoy, what their favorite snacks are. If you don't know it, some people like chips, some people like candy, some people want ice cream, some people want freshly bake cookies. Like just check in with your partner. Um, you could give them a...

...shirt, sweats blanket, uh. Those are gonna be nice and cozy. They're gonna smell like you, but they will also help if someone all of a sudden starts feeling very, very, very very vulnerable and naked. They might want to feel comfortable, covered up and cozy. So that could be an idea to some people want to cuddle with a little stuffed animal. That could also be something really sweet. Um. One important thing is going to be tending to any injuries, such as bruises, scratches, rope burn et Cetera. A little bit of variation here. Some people are going to love that you do it for them, especially if it is such a power dynamic as like a dawn, something with a lot of impact play. Moving away from that harsh, harsh um reality of you being the one that's like hitting them or tying them up or scratching them or whatever, and switching that over to you being the person that is being very gentle and taking care of those injuries could be something that is very, very beneficial for that person to kind of bring them back from the kind of sex fantasy that you had going on and remind them that that's not who you are as a person. It can be who you are in your sexual fantasy, but bringing it back to being that gentle person who content to those injuries could also really kind of negate any trauma kind of that may come from that and it will help bring that closeness back. Another one is you could give each other massages, and I'm not talking about the four play kind of massage where you massage they're back for five seconds and then spend five minutes on the booty and then all of a sudden you're having sex we're not talking about that type of massage, but a nice...

...slow central massage. Get Some Oil, get a candle going, just check in with each other. Massage Muscles Um essentially, just always check in with each other. Be Sure to communicate your own needs. When you are trying to come up with maybe some more individualized aftercare, think of your love languages, think of your partner's level languages and take inspiration from those as well. So, if we look back on some of the suggestions, cuddling could be cuddling. A massages is gonna be really, really nice, probably for someone whose love language is physical touch. Words of affirmation. is where those compliments are coming in, and that conversation, that communication, acts of service could also be part of that massage or like the tending to the injuries can also be under acts of service, although I think that could also be a kind of a mix of a few things. But if you're looking for some guidance, maybe check out your love languages and take some inspiration from those. And how you feel loved could be how you feel how you need to feel cared for after a sexual activity. Remember that all parties involved should be receiving some sort of aftercare, not just the sub bottom receiver of the impact. Johnson tops are often forgotten about when we talk about aftercare because they are tend well, they tend to be the powerful one, the caretaker one, but we need to look after them too. Just because they're not on the receiving end doesn't mean it's not stressful. It doesn't mean they're not tired out. It doesn't mean that they might not like they may feel bad after once they get that distance, they might be like, wow, I hope that person doesn't like hate me. I hope that they don't want think I hit them too hard, like I can't believe I called them that. Hopefully they actually liked...

...it, which I mean if you discussed it before, they probably did. But sometimes things can kind of accelerate a little bit and we need to check in and we can also come back to that person and reinform with them that we still feel safe and comfortable with them even after all of that. So just make sure to look after them as well. Maybe take some of those suggestions from earlier for them too. Also worth remembering there's no time limit on after care. It doesn't just stop being needed thirty minutes or even an hour after session. Check in with your partner that night, maybe in the next day, maybe a few days later, especially if you tried you kind of pushed your boundaries a bit, you tried new stuff. Just follow up with them, kind of check in, tell them hey, like I was thinking more about like this thing that we did and I really enjoyed it, but I wanted to make sure, like, I know you weren't sure if you're going to like that or hate it. I know you said right after that you loved it, but I just wanted to check in and make sure you're still okay. Kind of thing. That shame could be settling in with them or they could just be feeling a little down after the intensity. UH, they could even be feeling like, after such intense closeness, any distance feels amplified. So just be checking in. Don't forget self care as well. After care is not only to be given to each other, it is to be given to yourself. So again, you can look at Your own love languages for that as well and kind of tend to those things in your own kind of way and your self care. But some extra suggestions. You can meditate, you can journal, journaling. I find can really help me start through new things really easily. So that could be a good one. Stretch. Make sure you're stretching your muscles, especially US old folks, stretch out.

Make sure you're looking after your body. UH, tend to any injuries. Ask Your partners or partners for what you need. If you do need more affirmation, if you do need to talk some stuff out more, just check in with your partners. Uh, if they are good partners, which I hope you are enjoying your kink with good partners, good safe people. UH, they won't mind reaffirming that with you. And to bring it all the way around, for those who enjoy more basic, less adventurous, quote unquote, Vanilla Sex, you can also work these practices into your sex lives. This isn't just for the kinkiest of Kinky people. Uh. There's no harm in making sure you and your partner are both feeling looked after before, during and after sex, making sure you feel connected. It's really going to just bring you back into that intimacy. And why wouldn't you want to make sure both you and your partner are looked after? Um. So I think that's all I had today to cover for after care. If anyone has more questions or anything, you can go to my website at sex levens like DOT EXCITE DOT com. I believe it's on my social media's sex love, psych, instagram and TIKTOK. I'm pretty easy to find. I think Google sex, love and psych you'll find me all over the place. Um, thank you so much for tuning in yet again, even though without being having those consistent episodes. I really appreciate everyone who's sticking around with that. I hope you all have an amazing rest of your week and I will talk to you next time. By.

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