Sex, Love, And Psych
Sex, Love, And Psych

Episode · 1 year ago

Episode 4: The Five Love Languages


An exploration of The Five Languages discovered by Gary Chapman. Looking at what they are and the best ways to make you and your partner feel most loved based on what love language you speak.

Hey everyone, and welcome back to episode four of sex, love and psych thank you, guys so much for tuning in and listening and giving me so much great feedback already. Super appreciate all of you and I'm very excited to continue this little project. So today's episode will be on the five love languages, based on the book the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I would highly recommend buying the book and reading through it. It's got some great examples and some really in depth research. Will Not Research, but instruction on each of the five love languages. But if you don't want to buy the book, I already read it, so I will be giving you a quick summary. So just to preface, what the five level languages are, just some interesting facts that the five love languages are commonly related to what you did and did not receive in your childhood, as well as your attachment styles, which will be a future episode in a few weeks. So stay tuned if you want to learn about attachment styles. Also, just to add that acts of love are those that are freely given. If it is a demand, if you are doing it out of fear or resentment, that is not an act of love. Just to clarify. And if you want to find out your love language, you can go on the website. You can just google the five love languages test. It will bring you to a couple quizzes you can do with your partner or if you're single, there's a separate quise for that as well. Or if you don't want to do the quiz and you just kind of are having some trouble but figuring it out, look at what you request most from your relationships and friendships. What do you do most? How do you show the most love and why? And what hurts most when it's missing. If you do want to play a fun little game with your partner before you do the test, try and guess each other's love language. Just write it down, swap and then try and discuss on why you assume that that was that person's love language. I also wanted to include that the five love languages aren't just for when you are in a relationship. They can be applied to friendships, to how you're raising your kids, if you have kids, or just how you love yourself and how you make yourself feel the best and most loved and appreciated. So, with all that being said, I'm going to jump right in with number one, words of affirmation. These are words that built up, compliments, words of appreciation. They can be simple and straightforward and and just overall encouraging. So if your partners love language,...

...if we're talking about a partner relationship here, if there's something that you want done for you and they're love language, is words of affirmation and you've already been you've already communicated that this is something you want done. Nagging them probably isn't going to work. It's going to make you both feel bad, it's going to feel like a demand. Instead of nagging them and just constantly getting mad at them for not doing this thing because you've been asking about it for the last three months. Coming on, can you just do the thing? Try Shifting your language to include things that are affirming to them and just shows your appreciation for what they already do for you, like, let's say, the bathroom needs to be cleaned, or just a certain task that only they can do that's kind of out of your wheelhouse. Let's say, instead of constantly nagging them about that one thing, recognize what they're already doing and what they do on the day to day point it out and just make them feel appreciated. If this is not your love language but it's definitely your partners love language and you're kind of having a tricky time figuring it out, just take out a notebook and from your day to day write down examples of different affirming language that you hear, whether it's at work, whether it's when you're with other couples or friends, or what you see on social media. Look at different compliments, look at words of appreciation. Just write them down and that's going to provide you a great list of examples of how to make your partner feel loved. If maybe you're having some trouble getting to the verbal affirmation but you kind of like to write love letters are going to go so far with a person whose love language is words of affirmation, as well as affirming how great you think they are to the other people in your life and their life. If you if they haven't met one of your friends and that meeting is coming up and you talk up your partner to that friend, they're probably going to bring it up when they do meet and your partner is going to feel so special and so loved and that they're doing great things and what's gonna make either of you happier than if that's how they're feeling. Another little way you can slip in some words of affirmation is recognizing and pointing out things that they routinely do for you that maybe just slip under the radar. If they have coffee ready every morning for you, if they clean up after supper and it's she's getting to be part of the routine and maybe you were originally said thank you, but now that you're so used to it you don't really verbalize that as often. Try pointing that out and just being in Ky Bab thank you so much for having my coffee ready for me every morning. I super appreciate... Thanks. Love you. That's going to probably make their whole day. One final thing before we move on to the second love language. When it comes to words of affirmation, encouragement is going to go super far and making them feel loved. Criticism is going to do the exact opposite. So sometimes people just with words of affirmation is their love language. They just need a verbal reminder of your support and your encouragement. Like this is one of my top love languages and all the positive feedback I have been getting on this podcast and all the great shit that people have been telling me has just been making me feel Super Awesome and inflated. When it comes to criticism, it's been more of a process for me to get used to, because a lot of times it is constructive criticism. It's something you need to hear. But if you're in a relationship and that person's your partners, love language is words of affirmation, and all that they're hearing from you ninety percent of the time is your criticism and you telling them how they could do better, instead of acknowledging the things that they've already done and the things they do on a regular basis, it's gonna have a really crippling effect to your relationship and to their self esteem. With all that being said, let's move on to number two. Second Love Language is quality time. This is not just focusing on the same thing at the same time in the same room. This is undivided attention together and quality conversation. When I say quality conversation, I don't just mean you constantly asking them how their day is or how they're feeling or whatever. They also want to hear from you. I'm sorry if you're not much of a sharer. But if your partners love language is quality time, they are also going to want to feel some back and forth and they're want to they're going to want to know how you feel. They're going to want to get to know you and feel like it's a solid back and forth between the two of you that's going to make them feel so appreciated and so connected and so close to you. And this is not to say that every conversation and all the time you spend together has to be the super special undivided attention time. If you live together, you're going to see each other a lot more than the average person and that's completely fine. But if you carve out that special alone time when you're just paying attention to each other, that's how you're going to make your partner feel really, really loved, and taking them out to do things that you like, that they like, that you like together, just spending that time together is gonna just mean the world to them and it's going to fill up their little loved tank and make them feel totally looked after.

If you don't live together, it's going to be a little bit harder to fill up their quality time gage but one thing that you can do. That's pretty easy. It's just share your moments throughout your daily routine with that person. Send them with a little picture of something that reminded you of them. Just check in on how their days going. Let them know how your days going. Let them know you're thinking about them. That's going to make them feel more connected to you and it's gonna just make them feel more looked after. On the flip side of this one, if they feel like they aren't getting that quality time, in that quality conversation with you, they're going to start lashing out at the things that fill your time. That is not them. So if you're a workaholic, you're work in fifteen hours a day, they probably appreciate everything you do for them if that's the case, but they're also going to feel like La a last last place in your life. They're going to start lashing out at those things, whether it's work, video games. If they're seeing your spending all your time with your friends and not with them and you don't have that special one on one time with your partner, but they see you spending all your time with other people, they're going to be feel really left behind and forgotten and it's not that they hate your work, it's not that they hate the video games, it's not even that they hate your friends in this case. I mean maybe if they have a bad relationship with your friends, they might, but when it comes to just quality time, they might lash out of your friends because they're getting all your time and your partner's feeling forgotten. And to help with this, you don't have to start big with any of these things. Start by having a fifteen minute conversation. Just carve out fifteen minutes a day, every other day even with your partner, just to have that quality back and forth, see what they're feeling, acknowledging their feelings and if they are having problems, don't just give them solutions. They probably already know the solution. They just want your support. So just take that time with them, focus on them and just shows them one that they're supported and you're that you're there and they're going to feel so loved. Number three for the love languages is receiving gifts. This can come off kind of selfish to people whose love language isn't receiving gifts or have been race to not expect gifts from people, but it's really not selfish. Gifts can serve as a visual reminder of the love you guys share, or of a visual reminder of memories or your ideas of the future. So if you're maybe a stingy person, you have a hard time spending money and... have money to spend. This doesn't really apply to someone who's really broken can afford these things. But if you're worries, just like I have to save all my money. I don't spoil myself, so why would I spoil this person? Just try to remember that this is an act of love for them. It's going to make them feel love. You're investing in making your partner feeling loved. This doesn't have to be big, fancy, expensive gifts. Anything that's meaningful, that makes that's a visual reminder that you thought of them throughout your day is going to just give leaps and bounds amounts of love to them. It's also important to acknowledge, as Gary Chapman did in his book, that your physical presence can be considered such a gift to them if it's an important time in their life, even if you don't see the importance. If they maybe took a dance class and they have a little recital and they've expressed it that they'd love you to be there and they'd feel super appreciated and looked after if you just came to see what they've been putting all this hard work towards. Your presence there is going to mean so much to them and your absence is also going to speak volumes. This isn't to say you have to do literally every single thing that your partner thinks is important, but acknowledging that you know that if you do attend these things and if you do give them these gifts and reminders, that it's going to make them feel loved and that's something that you're doing for them, not for you. So some ideas for someone who's partners receiving gifts or their love language is receiving gifts. Try To do the twelve days of birthday gifts. I've seen a lot of this on tick tock and stuff, where you get to like punch a little hole and like an advent calendar, but each one's a different gift. Try doing that, or little handmade things if you maybe don't have as much money, things in natures, like symbols of things. If you go on a lot of hikes, maybe a rock, could twig, a leaf of flower, whatever, just as a visual reminder of that time. Or maybe put a little scrapbook together of things that you guys have dreamed about for your future, maybe the house style, vacations, things you've wanted to accomplish together. Put it all together and make that visual reminder for them. They're going to love it. Also, if you do have a hard time of thinking of gifts when it comes to their birthday, Valentine's Day, Christmas, all these holidays, if you have a hard time thinking of it in that moment, throughout your year, just get into the practice of whenever they point out something that they like or something that they would like, like a new fashion item...

...or a new cook book or whatever that they like, just write it down and in the notes in your phone and then when it comes to you, Christmas, your birthday, their birthday, whatever it is, you're going to have a ready list of items that you know they want and they're going to love that you remembered them pointing that out to you. They are going to feel so loved and appreciated and that's really what we're looking for here. So Number Four for love, languages, is acts of Sir. Of this, this is doing things that you know that they want done, whether it be chores or looking after a baby or a pet, or just get helping with a project, just any of these things. But the key to this is not to do it begrudgingly. You gotta do it with the attitude that you're doing it because it's going to be something that makes them feel loved. Even if you hate doing the thing vacuuating dishes, laundry, they are going to notice, especially if they already know that it's something that you don't like, if you're going out of your way to do that for them, they're going to feel super loved and appreciated. If your love language is acts of service and your partners having a tough time communicating in that way, don't try to force them to do anything, don't try to Nag them. It's going to come off as resentful on both sides. And if we go back to the words of affirmation part where it's like people are more willing to do things if they're being requested to do them instead of demanded, so that's really going to apply. If your partners having a hard time speak in your language on this one. It is also noteworthy that acts of service that are done out of guilt, fear or resentment do not come off as acts of love. They come off as acts of guilt, fear or resentment. If you'RE gonna to try to speak your partners language of acts of service, you have to do it in the mindset that you're doing it because you love them and it's going to make them happy, not because you have to. In Gary Chapman's books of I've Love Languages, he also discusses how, when acts of service is maybe the more Feminine Partners Love Language, it's you may have to address gender roles stereotypes that you were raised on. If the more Feminine Persons Love Language is acts of service, then the more masculine person might have to do the laundry or vacuuming or look after the kids for a while, even if that goes against what they view as masculine traits and what they were raised to believe that their role was. So that's going to have to take a lot of discussion, communication and practice. If your partners love language is acts of service...

...and you're having a tough time speak in that language, just stirt up asking them to make a prioritized list of tasks. If we try and guess what our partner wants us to do all the time, we're going to spend so much energy on the doing, trying to do everything, when we could be missing out on like the two or three things that are really going to make them feel the most loved. And if you do have a really hard time with cleaning or filling up the car with gas or cleaning out the vehicle, whatever it is, looking after the kids, try and and you have some financial wiggle room, try hiring that out. If the task is being done and your partners doesn't have to worry about it and they've seen that you've put in the effort to get that task done, they're going to recognize that they're going to feel loved. If you want to give your partner just some time to relax, read a book, do whatever they love, have a bath, make sure that they know they don't have to worry about the chores being done, the kids looked being looked after and all that they're not just delaying their list of chores. Those things are being looked after and they can actually relax and enjoy their them two okay, getting to the final love language, which is physical touch. A lot of people, when they hear physical touch, they jump to sex. This is not always the case. It's just physical touch and intimacy in general. Listening can include holding ants, keeping physical contact, massages, cuddles in and just listening to what they like, because people are going to like different touches. Some people like head scratches, some people like foot massages, some people hate their fee being touched. That doesn't mean they're love language isn't physical touch. It just means they don't like their feet. So just really listen to what they have to say and what they like and how they respond. If your partners love language is physical touch, they will notice when others are receiving it from you and they are not. Let's say you're out of the bar because covid doesn't exist at the moment. If you're out of the bar and you're dancing with all the other friends in your group, you're dancing with new people, you're hugging all your friends, your cut but you're kind of leaving your partner out of that. They're going to notice and they're going to probably feel like crap. Honestly, and this is all going to be. If you're drinking, this is just gonna be even worse because they're going to notice even more and it's going to bug them even more. So really just pay attention, hold their hand, give them a hug, give them a kiss on the forehead. It's going to be in the world to them. Outside of that contact context, you can also buy them cozy gifts and give them your tshirts to work, because it'll feel... huck touch them in the presence of others because they're going to feel extra special. And just a little side note, physical touch is one of my love languages, well, one of my I think it's one of my secondaries anyway, when it comes to you, physical touch I related greatly to intimacy and connection. So if I'm with a person and I am upset, having a bad day, crying, having in having an anxiety attack, because I do get those, and if it's someone that I don't feel is going to be there for me long term or just even at all, or someone I don't want to rely on in those situations, I will physically distance from myself, them from myself because I don't want to relate them to that physical touch and intimacy in those really vulnerable moments, if I don't think that they're going to be there for much longer. So just a little side note there. But when it comes to you and your partner, if their physical touch love language is physical touch, and you know it, just little touches, forehead kisses, massages, anything like that, anything cozy and Nice, is just gonna make the world of difference to them. Now that we've made it through all five love languages, I did want to quick touch on how you can communicate these to yourself too, if you're not in a relationship. These also just work for how to best look to look after yourself. If words of affirmation is your love language, go back to that positive self talk I talked about in episode two. Write it down, verbalize it, do whatever. Tell yourself you're a bad bitch, tell yourself you're the fucking boss man. Do whatever you need to do. If it's quality time, take yourself out on dates, write a journal. Just keep in contact with yourself and spend time with yourself. If your love languages receiving gifts, go buy yourself out flowers, go and buy yourself that new video game, spoil yourself with whatever makes you happy. Don't go too overboard with this, but just treat yourself every once in a while if it's acts of service makes you really are doing what you feel is looking after yourself, going to the gym, meditating, getting a manny petty, getting massage, these are all kind of acts of service for yourself. When it comes to physical touch, I don't know, buy yourself some cozy things, make sure you're nice, you're feeling Nice, you're in contact with things that make you feel good. Thank you all for tuning in. Hopefully this was interesting and I'll probably references back in a few weeks when I do attachment styles. So talk to you next week. By.

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