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Sex, Love, And Psych
Sex, Love, And Psych

Episode 39 · 3 weeks ago

Episode 38: The Trans Experience Part 1

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

An interview with a special guest about her experience as a tran woman. Part 1 covers how she came to the conclusion she was trans and her experience with her religious family. She also talks about being the "token trans friend" in some friend groups and briefly touches on disclosure in dating. 

Hello and welcome to this week's episode, the Special Pride Month episode of Sex, love and psyche. Thank you so much for joining today, as I mentioned, it is the first day of pride month and I am so excited to share more pride month related content with you. Guys. Today is the first part of a three part series with of an interview with a special guest, one of my good, good friends, on her experience as a trends woman, specifically a transwoman in Alberta. Even so, today we kind of just get into some of her background and her own experience. How she knew she was trends, her relationships with friends and family. So let's just jump right in. Thank you so much for joining. Okay, so we're here to talk to my friend today about their experience as a trans woman. Would you like to say hello? Hello, thanks for having me on your podcast. Can't any time? NOPE, problem. So we've got a lot to cover today, but I kind of wanted to get to know you and your own experience first. So did you want to just kind of start out with a pretty basic question? How long have you known you were trends my experience is specific and different, for sure. I think especially from a lot of people I've talked to. Like I remember reading an article, I think it was on a website online. I could have been in a magazine, a pretty sure was a website and my sibling showed me and it talked about getting a sex change. So like the surgery, the medical transition, which would be nowic. Obviously nobody in today's Dyn h uses that term. But like it talks about getting a sex change and I knew immediately that was something I responded to. I don't know why. I guess as a kid I didn't know that I even responded to it. I just knew immediately that, like that was something that I resonated with and that I knew was like specific to me for some reason, even though I didn't know what the word sex and change meant, I just knew it was real and new was specific. And then because of my upbringing, at my household, my family being religious, I knew immediately at that like that was something that my family would not like and I knew immediately like that that was the reason why my family would always treat me a specific way or look down on me in a sense. So it wasn't a realization of like knowing I'm trans or different. It was just a realization of knowing that my family was not the same as me. Like for the first time I realized that I was different. Yeah, just something. What I meant? Yes, something was different. I didn't know what yet, but like ever since then it would just kind of came fourth like...

I guess I don't really even know the first time I thought the words that I was trans. It's just I knew from that moment on. I never I knew immediately I was different. I didn't know it. Yeah, like how, but I did know that it wasn't like growing up and stuff. I from that moment on. It's not like I thought I was just gay. I knew from that moment it wasn't gay. So whenever I heard about or learned what the term gay was in like the further years, because it's not like I warned about that at eight years old. Yeah, we didn't learn anything. No, I'm the first time someone hey, kid me and comy gay in school was definitely good. Six so like, which is wild, because I went to the same school grade five grade six, and everybody was my friend to grade five and then nobody was my friend of grade six which swap. It was in one summer everybody learned about the term gay men and everybody called me in. Yeah, but like I knew I wasn't gay. I knew my entire life I was not gay. I knew I was different and I knew I was specific. Like I said, I just did not know what the word transpant or anything. I just knew what a sex change was and I was like yeah, Huh, wild and then ever since then, I guess I just knew because, yeah, we didn't have much representation or like terminology ten fifteen years ago and yeah, no, I forget, like I wish I could know the article or anybody back then if I think about it. But from that moment on, I definitely did one research and I learned a lot because I knew what to search up, essentially, like yeah, you had a couple words to go off of. Yeah, sex change, you know, but I did and it helped and I knew I'm actually a famous singer and today in culture right now, she was the youngest medically transitioned female males, Female Trans Woman. I fear where she's from, but like Germany or something, Um, but I followed her her entire like life and now she's like a famous pop star in America. confetus. Everybody knows her. She's pretty relevant, which I love. But I've known of her since she was sixteen and I was like, I don't know how old I was, like what our age differences? But it's pretty similar. I don't think I was sixteen. I think I was like at least fourteen, maybe like Leern H and fourteen, I think I was. But yeah, I learned to competus was and I was like, Oh my God, there's my life, like I need that, and I just like idolize her. Wanted to be her forever because I knew again. I probably just searched up sex change and she was the youngest person to ever get one and I was like, Oh my God, that's the thing I learned with when Ye know, I never learned it, I just read it and I think some dum. I'm really good at that. Love that for so you did mention kind of like your parents and you're sidling. Do you want to talk more about how all of them reacted kind of similarly? You're differently than you expected. Yeah, so my parents and my older brother are not my life currently. They are all pretty religious, even though we weren't a very like religious practicing family, so we never went to church or anything like that. I feel like I went to church like maybe two times in my entire life.

But if you ask my parents, they're very religious people. They believe in God, for sure. They definitely like kind of force that religion on to us at a young age. But, like, we were in a very religious practicing house. So it is really confusing for someone who had to realize that my parents and my family like felt a different way about who I was due to their religious background or like beings, I guess, their way they think about religion. Yeah, even though we work very viligious as wild and yeah, but don't follow much, but they used it against you here. Correct. Yes, they definitely love to say that God does not love me, which is fun. Love Their God, but my God does, so that's important. But UH, yeah, so they are not my life and they definitely reacted pretty typical for a lot of queer people, unfortunately. And then, yeah, my brother's on in my life, but he didn't react the same because he's a little bit he's like ten years older than me. So he was not like my mom and dad where he could like use religion against me, because I knew he was not like he was a sibling. He was not my mom or dad, like we were closer. HMM. But he was ten years older than me, so he wouldn't. I never grew up with him. Like the last time he lived at the same house as me I was like seven, because he moved out of seventeen or six or something. So it was pretty, I mean distant always. Yeah, I was just naturally distant already. Yeah, so we never really were close. So him not being in my life is still present, but like whether it's due to the fact that he does not support me as a transperson or not is kind of like unknown, I guess. But I don't have him in my life either, like I don't seek him out or look for him or look for a brother because I'm just so used to not having him there because of our h gap in the distance that I like it doesn't matter to me. Yeah, and also, like ever since I was like sixteen and on, and as an adult, when it's been very apparents that I'm who I am, he definitely never stood up for me either. HMM. So, like I said, it was never a specific and as like intentional and direct as my family, as my mom and dad, but for him it was just like being a bystander and not supporting or like protecting his sibling. Yeah, he's just kind of there. Yeah, he's just there and it's it's annoys me to have someone like that in my life. So I don't allow people like that my life. Yeah, so he's on in my life. And then my other sister who's currently in my life, she's the only person that is in my life. She is also trans, and that's a wild little thing that a lot of people love to hear. Hey have, I feel a lot of queer people do also have queer siblings. So Queer...

...people get it, for sure, but a lot of like sis hat people who are very unknown to the other binaries beside their own. Like they love to hear and they cannot get over the fact that there's two trans individuals, not just one. One. A wild story. Yeah, but we have our own relationship. So, though, we're not just like two peas in a pot, because we are both trans and we share that experience. Yeah, but we respect each other's experience. Our experiences are very different and we're very different people and everybody in my life who knows us knows that we were very different people. Yeah, however, we have that under lying like just respect and understanding of each other's lives. Yeah, that like I guess, like maybe I guess, I don't know because it's not my experience, but maybe sis had siblings, have that experience and have that understanding for each other, that that's why they get along and they have the the sibling relationship, even if they don't get along or they do get along or whatever. We do have that and it's great, but it's aside from that, we're just like two scissors who sometimes talks, sometimes fight. It's she feels my clothes, except for she wishes, like it's it's very weird sisters and sibling they always some sibling thing. Well, if you talk to her, she would say the same thing. So it's very true. I believe that knowing both of you, so kind of moving on from your family into like, let's go into dating, I guess, because that's got to be a unique experience. But not everyone can necessarily empathize who are relate to and having to like disclose kind of your identity. Choosing one to do that to how to do that can be kind of dangerous sometimes. Oh yeah, I guess the way I like to put it, like the short answer whenever I'm talking about boy specifically, because everybody hates talking to boys. That got it. Boys are stupid, and I will say that on the record. But the way I like to explain it, the short answer, is just I've experienced everything, from like every positive and every negative outcome that can possibly happen. I've experienced and everything in the middle, every neutral and every dramatic extremely, I guess, Baefly, I've never been, you know what's the word fatally? I guess it's you're still here, thankfully, but that does happened. Yeah, and I've never experienced that. But I have experienced, yeah, positive outcomes and people, whenever I disclose, people supporting me and saying that they tore undersund or they don't understand any still think me the same person or as the same person or in within the same mindset that they taught of me before I told them. And I've experienced a lot of weird stuff when they, I guess, handle it negatively. Um, I always choose to, I guess,...

...disclose my identity with people just for everybody's different, because I like to gage the like the person that I'm with. I like to gage their respect level, like if they're by go on a date with a guy and he starts making Transphobrik or homophobic or racist jokes, I'm not going to tell him, yeah, just go home. Eventually, what I'm delete, yeah, I don't want that in my life anyway. So it's not like I'm gonna stick around and then tell me, yeah, that's weird, but then, yeah, I guess. I've been in numerous situations with guys where I've been getting to know them closer and closer and then I've decided to tell them and then they either yeah, like have been in support or not, but I guess regardless, like I will always wait till I'm okay, yeah, or I feel okay, just help them, even though I've also been like outed by people, I've been forced to tell people. I've been told I'm mysterious and I've been told that I'm hard to get to know and I've been told that I somebody opened the window for me one time and I didn't listen or I didn't catch on and that that would have been the perfect time to tell them instead of the time I told them that I decided to because I opened my own window to tell them because I felt safe, but they thought that I could have done it at any other time. Got To dude on their timeline correct. Yeah, it's always just had guys. Yeah, I know, tell me how I should tell them that, which is wild, but you know whatever, not surprised. Yeah, so I've whole I've heard, heard it all, but it's not also, like the worst thing the world. I definitely understand my privileged being like typically, quote unquote, passing, which will, yeah, we get into later. And like I'm also white, which my me being white and like Caucasian in this world, I don't deal with a lot of Transphobia the way that Trans people of color definitely do. Yeah, weirdly, I don't see how that's logical at all, but for sure, like, I know I have career friends who get hay crimes a lot more than I do. And Yeah, for some reason, like because I'm technically possible and whatever, I've been able to experience a lot of relationships and a lot of different types of men and situations in life period. But yeah, it's not all, not all great. Not all fun, but also it's made me a better person because of it and it's, yeah, helped, I guess, my relationships, because even if I met someone and like them and then eventually told them if they acted weird or differently, from that moment on I would want to be with them anyways. So, yeah, kind of like filters in it, pre filters guys. Yeah, in a sense it's just like kind of Shitty that that's something that I'm like...

...forced to do, hmm. But at the same time it's something that I've learned to just do on my own time and I don't let people, you know, kind of dictate or gage when I should. I don't know, don't allow that to happen to me anymore, which is something that I'd like taken on my own head. Like I'm really proud of myself for doing that as this person currently. Yeah, that's a big job. Thank you. You're welcome. So we kind of talked about doing you did mention like friends and stuff. So we kind of off are kind of talked about how some groups will take you on as like the token trans friend. Yes, yeah, unfortunately, I guess for me I don't have any other trans friends. I do have some non binary friends, friends which I love. I do have a lot of girlfriends, but I do not know really well any other trans people, which has gaged my experience definitely. I wish I couldn't happen whatever, but right now, at this point of my life, I don't know many Trans People. And Yeah, it's always my like sisgendered heterosexual friends who weirdly make me feel, without knowing, that I am like special or different than them, which is gross and I'm not, even though I am. Yes, like I do understand that I'm a different person and I've experienced things that other people have not. But, like, it's a weird I guess, maybe coping mechanism with dealing with a transfriend or having a transpend that, like says, had people feel the need to do all the time. And they, yeah, they make me feel like the token transfriend where they like they make me feel that I'm allowed into their lives and not accepted into their lives, which is like the big difference. I realized I have a lot of friends who accept me period, no matter what, for anything, but that I do have certain friends who allow me and they allow me to come out with them or they allow me to go to their birth days or parties or go out with their friends. They they don't view it as just accepting me as a persons. They're weird, like the mannerisms, the words they say, stuff they do. It's just it makes me feel like they just see me as nothing more than they're transfriend. Yeah, almost like they're doing you a favor. Yes, yeah, for sure, they definitely. They I don't know. It's weird because they they're my friends at the end of the day, which is definitely a choice. Also, like I definitely could choose to remove these people as well, like I've removed my family and I've removed other relationships that I've been in, but I do have some relationships with just have people that I've choose to keep for some reason, but also...

...just because they maybe don't know the wiser and it's I feel like I help them in a sense. The longer I stick around, they'll maybe stop or they eventually realize, but it is still there and it is still something that I do deal with more than I guess. Yeah, like most of my career friends, because as far as I know, I don't think any of my queer friends have ever been, hopefully, treated as the like token queer friend, but that's just because I'm surrounded by a lot of them. So at least in my experience, I can't like see it for them, but I am the only transferend. Yeah, because a lot of like queer people just like kind of flock together. So that's not necessarily like a queer, like a token queer, you know, because they're all usually up some queer queer persuasion. Yeah, and I mean in this day and ah to, it's people are allowing themselves to be more free and a lot of people are Queer and Trans and not binary and all of the umbrella terms under the whole spectrum. Yeah, it's great and I love to see it, but yeah, unfortunately I just don't know any other trans friends and most of my friends don't either. So it's pretty like a parent, no matter what, no matter where, that I am the token transfriend, and they don't even know that they do or say or make me feel that way, or they don't know what they're doing and saying is technically wrong. They just think they're doing me a favor by a lot, like I said, allowed me in and not accepting me and it's very it's just like the way they breathe. I can tell, I can sense it. It's not specifically like as directed or as like obvious. Sometimes it's just something I get and I am, yeah, faced off in my life. That vin. Yes, just the vine. And then one other kind of thing that we talked about in your own experience, like as we've kind of discussed here, is like we haven't mentioned your name or keeping you anonymous, but we have discussed how a lot of people think you should be that like o loud, proud transactivist, versus kind of doing your own thing. Yeah, a lot of people in my life don't understand that I want to keep parts of my life private, even though, yes, I am on a public podcast right now that hopefully the whole world. This is who you know. I hope you get a million streams. Thank you. But the active being private is something that I have never been like blessed with. Like nothing in my life is ever private because I walk into a room and people either know or not. I mean a million strangers every day. I go to job interviews, I live my life as a human being and I'm constantly aware if people are like in the know or not whether or not I'm trans. It's, yeah, something I have to look to there, like suspicious or whatever, and I that's just something that I base constantly everywhere, Oh, period, every day of my life.

That's because of that. Like being private and private about specific things or things that, like, other people might not be private about, is my like way of taking myself back and like having ownership over my life that other people just don't know because so many says had. People feel like I need to disclose my information or my gender identity or my sexuality or anything before I meet them right off the bat, like I should introduce myself. Yeah, hi, I'm Soanso and I am trans and otter what or I like they have the right to know that in yetation about yeah, they act like everybody. Everybody acts like they have the right to know every detail of my life a second I meet them and if I don't, then I'm a trap or someone who's trying to trick the world, when really, like, I'm just trying to live my life, HMM, as like, quote unquote, normal as I can, because I've been never been allowed to. So like may being private about things that I choose to be private about is something that like. I see it as just a gift that I can give myself at the end of the day, and whether or not I choose to be it's on me. It's my decision that I made and it's not something that my I guess, like just people around me or in my life who are susgendered and header of like sexual, they for saw me, essentially, they tried to, and they don't understand why I don't listen to them or why I don't want to disclose my information or be a walking transactivist, like the most educated transversion in the world, when really I'm just someone who has experience being trans and I'm just living my life being trans, yea, and people hate that sometimes. People cannot get over the fact that I'm just living. But that is something out that I do with a lot. Is My privacy and it's something that I liked, I hold close to me. I like being private because it makes me me for me instead of me for somebody else. Yeah, or vice versa or anything like. I love being a private person because I just never felt like I was able to HMM, and that brings us to the end of part one of this series. Thank you so much for joining. I hope you all kind of we're able to take something away from this, learned something new and continue to tune in the next couple weeks here as we continue. Thank you so much for tuning in again and I will talk to you next week. By.

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