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Sex, Love, And Psych
Sex, Love, And Psych

Episode 36 · 1 month ago

Episode 35: Herpes Part 2

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

The sequel to last week's discussion on herpes. Hear about dating with herpes, disclosure and the personal experiences of my guest!

Hello and welcome to this week's episode of Sex, love and sake. Thank you so much for tuning a make in this week. Today's episode is going to be the part two of last week. Sorry, pardon me, it's going to be the part two of last week. So we're going to dive more into the personal experience of my friend here who has herpes, and kind of how that's affected her dating life. So we kind of talked about like stigma, but how, and like doctors in the medical community and some myths in general and stuff. But kind of there's also that dating life. There's the hook ups, there's the disclosure. Do you want to talk about like how? Who? When? Why? You disclose all of that fun stuff? Yeah, so disclosure is something that is personal to you. You do not owe anybody that information know whatsoever, meaning that you decide who you're going to tell and you also have to look inside yourself, I think, and really think about why you're telling them. HMM. Are you telling them because you want more information? Are you looking for someone to confide in? If that person someone who can actually confide in? Yeah, the only way you know that is if you really know that person well enough where you have confided them in the past. But, as I say that, don't expect their reaction to be what you wanted to be either. Yeah, unfortunately, they like you don't. You don't open an explanation or anything, but they also don't owe you the reaction you want. Yeah, and that goes with any kind of disclosing anything, like Oh, yeah, you know any information ever...

...people that like have kids and stuff like that. So also a bit one where it's like in dating life, be like right, it's like telling people that you have children. In dating world, I don't know anything about that. So I'm just going to say that from like obvious concept, like that's what people yeah, but I but it's very similar to that, where you don't owe them that information. Now you do Kinda should owe them that information if you are intending to have sex with them. Yeah, so how and when do you go about that? So if you are in a situation where you like symbody and you're like hey, you a step, and this is kind of like when you're, I'll say, more of like a live contact, when you're actually like, you know, in a bar or something and you see somebody and you're like okay, like I kind of want to. Yeah, Basod meeting them and then hooking out that it's a it's a full on like yeah, like I'd like kind of drug and pouring. Want to have a good time the right so it's like which happened? which was well, yeah, it's in Hell. Yeah. So it's like, okay, so you meet this person the bar. You know that you are hopefully, at this point, educated enough on your own virus. Like that's a big part of it. Educate yourself enough where you have the correct information, because how else are supposed to give somebody any kind of confidence? Yeah, if you don't have it yourself? Yeah, you can't just say hey, I have this, let's go for it. Yeah. So, yeah, because you're not get so many different people's reactions. So yeah, so you go up somebody, you say hey, like, I think we should go back to like your place or my place, and then you know that. I guess in itself, I don't really have any specific advice for because once you get to that part and you are both agreeing that you do want to have sex with each other, when do you say it? Like, do you do you? Should you? At that point I've already told them before you...

...even kind of get to that point where you both think you want to have sex with each other, or do you tell them after you agree? Yeah, so tricking one. It's a really tricky one. And because I went through my whole thing and I did it really quickly, the way that I kind of dealt with my own diagnosis, as I jumped right into facebook group. So I figured out, like facebook groups right away, some ot of community supportive communities. So then I get to see a lot of like what people say about it. So I get to see like to the different sides and different opinions of you know, male to female or like just over to the younger persons that do have it. So something that I do see a lot with the whole disclosing thing is that some people feel like they don't need to disclose until it is in the heat of the moment. Oh, and then you have people that are like no, you should disclose as soon as you meet somebody. But then they don't want to because then it risks that rejection. So you're risking that rejection of the person saying no, I don't want to do that, however they want to word it. Yeah, so it's no one likes being rejected for any reason. Yeah, so, I mean like you can still have that fun if you know how to handle the rejection, because you can still have a very active, healthy lifestyle where you are sexually like active with the Herbes, and still have that reality check of not everybody is going to accept it. MMM. So I think it's a lot of just like how you're going to cope with a no answer, and in my opinion you should be telling them sooner than later, HMM, and definitely not after no, that's like a cardinal sin, like like literally, and that's the issue. Is that a lot of people don't until after or they don't at all. And how do you think so many people have it? Yeah, like I could see waiting. Maybe you don't want to mention it first date if nothing's going to happen first date, because he kind of want to get to know the person. Yeah, but yeah, definitely you'd...

...want them to know before anything happens, and I feel like he did. The moment is also kind of a sketchy area to because they're like, I'm about to have sex. Anything you say to me right now, I don't care about. So, yeah, I have done at all. I'll be honest. Oh Yeah, I've done it all, because when I was figuring it out, when I first got it, first thought it, that was the whole conversation in my brain plane over and over and over again. How do I tell this person that I have it with the risk of them totally freaking out and rejecting me? HMM. So I did the thing where I was like I had the person in my bed and I was just like hey, they're not ugly here. So the freaking out, like what what did I do? I'm gonna think you have teeth in your Vajana's, like, like literally, that's that's why you have to be so aware of what you have and stuff and how to deal with these things, because then you don't like you just totally disregard how the other person's feel, like yeah, you have your shit, but you're the only person in the situation. Yeah, I can imagine bull Joe's in there and he's like about to get his dick sucked and you're over here just like cry on your face off, like fucking like it's a boner killer, kate, it's a bone or kept wall. Maybe he isn't, because then a lot o guys in my experience with male specifically a ten se for women, because kind of like a bosh that after the whole thing, which is another story which is on my my part. But a society is all because, listen, okay, okay, so guys is like yeah, like once they're like motors running, like once they're like more duff and they know that they're going to get sex potentially, they're pretty much like in it to win it. Yeah, like they're not like that. He said, like at that point they're already thinking like okay, I'm...

...going to get some and then, if you like drop the bomb on them, they don't see the much as a bomb until, yeah, until until after I done. Then Post that clarity. Clarity is for real for everybody. Yeah, it's going to stay. I can stay, HMM Sou if I could do that differently, which I have changed my way of doing that when I was dating. Yeah, definitely not heed the moment. Boys and girls don't care who you are if you are sitting there and you're kind of telling somebody right before you stick it in or like you're about to like do anything, like even if you have it generally like ladies and you go and you're just like, okay, we'll just suck your Dick. Oral Sex, like you can still transmit it orally, you bro, like it doesn't matter where it is in your body, you can still transfer it, like it's in there. They should have the right in your body. But here's the fun of fact, though. Yeah, you don't, like you don't have to legally tell somebody that you do have Herbes, yeah, which was a wild was my brain wild? Like they're like HPV and AIDS, like you have. Yeah, legally, like and I think like cleamidia and all of that stuff. You probably do know because it's curable. Okay, yeah, the only the only thing with those kind of like seus that actually are curable or they're treatables. Just a curable because HSV, like herpes, is treatable. Yeah, so they all are. But like you know this one that leads to death, which is HPV, and then you know things like that and like yeah, it's like a little but we want to disclose those on the scares your side of life, like you just don't want to be like blindsided by that. But basically, guys like you have to let them know beforehand if you have that interest in mind. Don't make the mistake of not being ready with yourself, in your own information and thinking that it's okay just to do a quick disclosure, especially the hat in the moment, because you're...

...not just affecting yourself, you're affecting the other person completely and any future partners I may have. Yeah, well, yeah, you're affecting that. And like people who I've come across for like me to situations, not like Hashtag me too, like same's he's like like Sames, like like like like totally like Ditto, Ditto situations, and I have come across quite a few actually with potential partners are just like people I was just rightly talking to. And there's a whole phase where I can just go into like stupid detail about, but I won't about where I was like super insecure about it. So I was literally told everybody and anybody WHO's willing to fucking listen to me bitch and known about it. There's a lot of people that I didn't even have sex with that know of that I have herpes. When you did too, say so, yeah, I know, so, like it's it's out there. And but it was because that's how I dealt with it. Was I had to talk to like a people about it, but the people that I did run across that were like me to is, we're absolutely surprising, because some of them being the more ones that weren't actually potentially like for hookup purposes. You could tell the difference between people who actually did follow those like values and didn't want to not disclose, or they actually did disclose and they do follow these values with people. And then what I could tell it was with like people that I was potentially wanting to hook up with and I would tell them and disclose to them like before even meeting with them, like literally online, be like Hey, like just so you know, I do have this. If you have any questions about it, let me know. HM, which is a great way to handle it, which is em some time to process, ask some question. Yeah, but then but then it's those people that are like Oh shit, saying I have it too. But then it's like how do you know that person wasn't going to was even going to disclose to you? Yeah, like they didn't know before I said that that I actually had it. So were you going to ever tell me that you had it,...

...because you kind of like not schelling. We're just like Oh, Yo, same yeah, you know, it's really like. And to put it in even more depth, I went forward with that one experience where it was a me too thing, and ended up having sex with him and I asked him, I was like, well, do you tell people, like obviously the other girls you hook up with like that you do have it, like, how does that go for you, because I was curious at that point, and he told me like no, I don't tell them, I just pop a bunch of anti virals before I have sex with them. Yeah, that's like literally, I even know. That feels so Yucky. It's I'm not in like a Herbes is grossway, just gross behavior kind of way, really gross behavior. It's honestly like and that's literally how it happens. Like the fact that I don't know exactly who I have a good idea, and I should say that like I do have a good idea of WHO's my gift giver, who gave me the gift of her pays. Pretty sure it was, like you know, it was. And then that same person actually denied that they had it, which I mean could be a thing where they just didn't get tested. So they yeah, they didn't get tested. Until they got the result. No, they don't even know, stills, if they said the God that. I don't care about the person they saw. But, and I'm not because they had it or gave it. No, you, just because Para shitter person. Yeah, but, but, but again, like, I don't know if that was that person. So I you know, it could have been somebody totally different, and that's what is again, a crazy thing, is that you do not know if they had it. They might not know that they have it. Yeah, it's the ones who know they have it who choose not to disclose to you. Yeah, that are like, that's the gross behavior. That's the gross behavior. To clarify that. That was a little long. And you know, and you...

...don't tell girls. That's when it comes down to. If you know, when you tell, we love. If you don't know, then you can't tell. Yeah, and back your back your shirt up. Yeah, Dude, like, I can't stress enough, like one of the first things that I jumped to was research, because I wanted to know everything and anything about it. Yeah, to the point where I was going through my grieving periods, so I started thinking, like maybe it's Clamydia, even though I knew what I had was like maybe it's just a weird chemical reaction to different sty and doctors are wrong. To go you tested again, like verify this, like yeah, but do your research, put the right information, ask questions. There are so many podcasts out there specifically for her bees. There are podcasts out there first yet there are podcast like this one with yea capes rambling off because if you can O God, but yeah, I'm good one. It's a real conversation, this one, this is real. This is actually how I talk, if you like it, the curly ask me more question. I think we've actually covered most of what we wanted to really. Yeah, we got reactions, stigma, just closing, some misbesting. I got some medical stigma in there, some personal stories. You could be born with it, bro You could literally come be born with her piece. You can be born with it. Google it, guess how, because somebody had it and you board out of that thing lines. Oh and the something. I mentioned the carly earlier when we m recording, because I was actually like put out all my big thoughts, big thoughts, can't talk now, big girl thoughts. Um, yeah, okay, so do do the damn thing when you're at somebody's house and you're like in that hookup scene, like go like,...

...don't be creepy about it. But at the same time, if you just happen to notice that like dude or chick or whoever has like, you know, a Breva, like a Breva, the cold sore medication that you put on your coal source, if you notice that somebody has, I just chill in there like, you know, bathroom or whatever. Guess what, they have her bees. Yeah, they can't bring it up, they literally have it. And it's crazy to me that people don't realize that when the doctor gives you pills for your coal sore, when you go in, they're giving you the same stuff that everybody uses for General Herbes and like the same thing, because it's the same medication, it's the same virus. Yeah, and if you have a coal sore and you have coal sores and you do perform oral sex on somebody, boom, boom, boom, you can transfer that to them. Yeah, so many ways to transfer many ways. How like go get tests, like, seriously, man like person who's listening to this that's probably turned it off because they hate my voice. If you're a g good talk your ear like not even, but just like if you've yeah, just like, dude, go like regular testing that. Yeah, I get touched for everything else, do. Yeah, get, get the panel and then some. Yeah, and even if your doctors like I'm not going to test you because you don't have an active bad right be likes for you, then and go somewhere else, kind of nothing to doctor, because it's that's or just assume, just assume, looking at life, assuming that you have it. Yeah, because honestly, most people probably do and it's not again, like the social media to which is really impressive. Like I've been on tick tock, like every other person out there, probably, yes, and I've, of course, the algorithms probably more set up for me to see them, but I see a lot of like more people coming out with...

...tick tock pages totally just for herbes awareness. Yeah, I follow at least one. Yeah, there's like one blonde girl, yeah, for pretty, and she's like Sassy about it. Yeah, that's it. Was One girl that I watched before that that was had black hair. Yeah, I wasn't into her stuff because she didn't really have the right information, which is like something again that you find out when you have something like this or when you don't like do your research, because then you can kind of divvy out like what's real what's not? Hmm, what we put? Yeah, yes, could talk. We haven't cover everything. Yeah, that's been forty minutes. Some good job. Thanks for coming on chatting with me. We will, I've okay. So that is a wrap on our her peace conversation. I want to thank my friend again so much for coming on, being vulnerable, sharing all that information, having that Super Fun discussion with me. I learned some stuff. I hope you all learned some stuff. Thank you so much for tuning in and I will talk to you next week.

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