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Sex, Love, And Psych
Sex, Love, And Psych

Episode 33 · 3 months ago

Episode 33: Shame and Guilt Part 2

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Further discussin how shame can play a huge part in stifling our sexuality and the harm it can lead to, even when we don't realize it.

Hello and welcome back to sex, love in sects. Thank you so much for bearing with me while I get back into routine of doing doing these regularly. We're just kind of doing it as I can. Today's episode is going to be episode thirty three. Can't believe it, on two twenty two. Twenty two is one of them recording this. Some synchronicities are anyway. This is going to be kind of a part two to the last episode, guilt and shame. I discuss guilt and shame a little more broadly and how it can affect our lives. Are Insecurities, how we act and all that. Today I wanted to dive a little bit more into how this can affect our section, sex and sexuality. I would argue that sex and sexuality is the area of our existence with the most manufactured shame we have to face. Anything slightly related to our sexuality has an air of shame about it, which is why it's been made so taboo to speak about our bodies. Are Clothing, how we move and speak, kinks, Stis, how frequent, how frequently we have sex porn, who we have sex with, when we start having sex, how much we enjoy sex, all of that it's all so taboo and so wrapped up in the shame and guilt and that's kind of how it keeps us in line, I guess, with this kind of popular discourse one. That's one of the biggest parts of why I have chosen to go into like sex therapia and relationship counseling. We need to remove this stigma, shame, guilt, all of that, because it makes it pretty dangerous and way, way less enjoyable. It just overcomplicates things, in my humble opinion. So I haven't mentioned my sex therapy group. In that group we discussed shame and guilt a lot, the sources of it, how it affects our experiences.

Sometimes even without realizing it, like we may just have kind of the resultant situation in mind and we don't even realize how much that result has been influenced by Shim and guilt that's been manufactured to go against us. Some of it may come from being raised in strict religious homes. There's so much in guideline set out by some people in the church. So it's not to say this is how everyone is, but this is kind of the dominating idea in the church. You may be expected not to engage in any type of sexual intimacy. Beyond that, you may even be expected not to speak about it, kind of pretend like you don't even think about it, feel like you're not allowed to think about it, feel like you're going to go to hell if you even imagine having sex with someone before you're allowed. You're not even you might not feel like you're allowed to be curious about it. Then one day you get married, like a good person in that community would, and you're all of a sudden expected to want it all the time, at a healthy sex life with your partner, be able to enjoy sex just like thrive, because you finally made it to that safe zone of being within a marriage. So now you're allowed to engage in sex and you should probably be good at it and provide your partner with it. That's a pretty extreme switch to flip, going from not even engaging in your own self pleasure or sexual curiosity and being ashamed of your sexuality, feeling like it's kind of damning you to hell, and then suddenly being expected to jump right into it. This is when we talked about a couple times in our group. As some of us, some of the members were raised in, like, pretty certain Catholicombs,...

...are pretty sure Christian homes, or were somehow involved in that type of a lifestyle, and a lot of the issues we were discussing actually took a lot of route in the shame that Christianity or Catholicism or whatever personal belief system had kind of pushed upon them from a young age. As I said, this is not to say that this is everyone's experience with sex and religion, but it is common enough that it's worth this gassing. This is not me trying to dis any religious type people. This is just to open up some dialog about what it can like, what that expectation of flipping that switch can kind of do to our sex and sexuality and our attitude surrounding sex. Even without religion, many of us face concepts of shame surrounding anything remotely sexual. I know men face a lot of shame, as well as people of other gender identities, but I'll be speaking mostly on the SISS woman experience, as that my identity and my experience and the identity of most of the people I've spoken to about kind of like sex and shame. So I have fully acknowledge other people might have different experiences, but I can only speak from what I know, what I've been told. We are taught from an early age that our breast will be sexualized and that we are responsible for hiding them or shamed if they're small, with the ADY bitty titty committee looking like a two buy for whatever other stupid judgments those teenage boys made to you in junior head. But also we're also kind of a shamed when they're big, because then we are that sexual object. Dress codes are heavily against anyone who develops faster than their peers. Two people wearing the same shirt could like the exact same shirt,...

...could be judged very differently depending on their birth Siye, that happened a lot in our greener hive, or like long legs, etc. We aren't supposed to talk about our Valvas, vagranas. We are taught cutelone nicknames for them. They're criticized and made fun of if they don't look like what we see in porn. Excuse any tripping you here in the background. That is North Catty. Getting back to it, we are heavily criticized if our vagenas involves don't look like what we see in porn which is fairly frequently a surgical process or you know, it's not the common experience. HMM, we're totally shouldn't be seen, smelled experienced that we need to Douche and shave. We have this whole loose versus tight discourse that's supposedly means like a loose vagina means very sexually active and promiscuous, which isn't the case. That that means actually that you're more relaxed in that area, probably more prime for sex. Tighter doesn't necessarily mean better, but there's this discourse of like the hot dog through the Hallway, like if you've got or go that relaxed, that should be a good thing for you. That's would me you feel better than worse. This is one of the reasons I absolutely love my love Alba Strawberry Tattoo. Not Everybody knows about it, because I don't feel like explaining all this on a freaking facebook post or answering ignorant comments, but I do have one and I do absolutely love it. I teared up on my home from getting it just because of a lot of the personal meaning behind it for me. Another kind...

...of no win situation, kind of like the loose versus type thing. Is the Madonna Horde, I gotta me. Some of you may have heard of this, some of you may know about it under a different title. Kind of thing to know where win situation where women are either good and pure and chaste or there's a bad girl, promiscuous sled. But it's kind of goes beyond that, where we aren't put into one or the other, where expected to be both. So we are expected to be that innocent, pure virgin well also being able to give the GLUCK gluck Ninezero from Color Daddy. I'm have all of this sexual expertise and be this like object of lest and desire and how to tease their partners, and all of this kind of just creates this impossible standard when you're shamed on either side. You can be that peer innocent virgin type person, but you're gonna get shit for that. You can be the super experience bad bitch, you're gonna get shit for that too. So again it's really that no win. You shouldn't sleep with multiple partners, but you should be expert in pleasing them. You should always say Yes to sex, but not if it's on the first date. Because then you're a whole, but you should say yes whenever your partner wants it. Like there's all of these just impossible things that can't exist at the same time. They just can't, even when we remove like a partner from this equation of shame and sexuality. There's an extreme shame around masturbation for women. There's shame around focusing on our own pleasure instead of a hypothetical partner's pleasure. We get shame...

...for watching, reading erotica or pawn. It's not really ladylike. We should kind of keep that in we should keep it a secret that we enjoy this kind of stuff because we are ladies and it's just very different from how men's masturbation is treated. Oh, we're also shamed for owning sex toys, which is ridiculous to me. How dare we enjoy some self ledgure and infringe upon someone's masculinity if the toy is bigger or stronger than they are? As I've said before, sex with the different partner and sex with a vibrator two completely different experiences. Apple storages anyway. But men's masturbation, on the other side, is a lot more normalized and spoken about, so much so that most mainstream porn is produced by inform men, with the male orgasm signifying the end of any sexual interaction. Fee even when it's two women in Male directed porn, you can kind of tell that it is focused on what a man would enjoy. Seeing we are constantly we have these jokes about like the teenagers using the crusty socks, etcetera, etc. But it's such like a normalized experience, whereas with women it's a lot, a lot more goes. I'm spoken about it. We might have some similar experiences that are kind of having being bred to late now, but overall still not really spoken about. And if it is, then that person's a whore, which doesn't even make sense. If the only person I've had sex with it with myself, that that does not make me promiscuous, and even if it did, that's my fucking decision. This may make men feel more pressured to perform, like the focused on...

...their pleasure, the idea that sexes and over until they finish and kind of all that. It can't. It can really pressure mental perform, which can lead to erectile the function and all of that. But it can also make women feel ashamed and ignored if they want to have an orgasm for themselves or they have to worry about making their partner come before they do, or just their pleasures and afterthought. There's also a lot of shame surrounding kinks, as we've discussed in previous episodes. Think Stung kinks and all that. Being too vanilla or having a kink that is less than normalized are both somehow on the same level of scandalous, which is absolutely wild. Three Um, there's a lot of shame around kinks that harm absolutely no one. If you are pushing your king on someone else, none consensually, that's obviously something else completely. But there's a lot of shame around kinks and a lot of cakes can come from like coping with trauma or even just really enjoying something that you maybe didn't think you would. Either way, that's that's not something you should feel ashamed over if it's all done consensually and with other consenting adults. Next episode I plan on diving a little bit further into sham and stigma. shinning stis as well. I'm going to be bringing a little guest on, so prepare yourselves for that. I'm really excited. I think it's going to be a really great conversation that really needs to be normalized a lot more often. But I don't want to give too much away with that, so we'll just have to tune into the next episode. But I didn't want to kind of leave this...

...episode with just like, Oh my God, look at all this shame, look at all the problems that the shame caused. It's hard to leave it at that without providing some sort of reassurance that we can get past that and it's not just like this, this is how the world is. It sucks, but like, I guess that's just the way life goes. I don't want to leave it on that note. One thing I learned a lot through writing a lot of my papers in university was you can bring up an argument, you can bring up every single side of an argument, but unless you provide some sort of input on some type of solution or positive thing to think of going forward, then you didn't really do much for the conversation. So how do we address all this shaming guilt? One of the biggest things for me was diving into my own biases and shame and slowly finding the sources and asking why they have manufactured all of the shame and met mine. Could be some of the religious rhetoric that I was experiencing when I was an early teenager. Some of it was like internalized homophobia. As a teenager, a lot of confusion around confusion around my own sexual identity and some toxic relationships around that time caused me a lot of shame. The environment that I was in a lot of time where this shit just want to talked about. Not good or bad, but I kind of think I internalized a lot of that into being like, ah, we don't talk about this, so if I want to talk about this, that must be something I should be if named of or partners or people I've met who have pushed kind of their own internalized shame on...

...me like this is a lot of the digging that I've had to do with myself and that I've had to really kind of dig in fun the source ask why these things are still affecting me and I've had to really do some self checks on not pushing that shame onto other people in my life whom I have had the same experiences. I can't push my shame onto them. They could have had a completely different life experience another other way. I kind of am leading into that with that statement. My next kind of point here is making a conscious effort to let people live their own lives, especially when it has nothing to do with us. People are into some crazy shit that you may have never even thought would be a kink or have anything to do with sexual relationships or intimacy or any of that. They might be coming from a completely different background culturally, they might be coming from a different country where there's different practices are normalized. If that, if I am not in a sexual relationship with this person, it's none of my fucking business. Even if I am in a sexual relationship with this person, see, it is only my business up to the point where I am involved, if they have expressed some kinks or practices or whatever kind of mindsets and I have set my boundaries. That's the extent of how much it is of my business. They can still like whatever they like. As if I don't want to be involved, I don't have to be involved, but I don't need to push my shame on them or try to make them feel ashamed for liking different things than me. And if I'm not sexually involved with that person up none of my business at all. So I got to really challenge you. I'll be scrolling tick tock sometimes and see someone in a come Lee leader from space, the meet who likes...

...completely different things and my implicit bias is to jump to judge them. But I have challenged myself. I challenge you to kind of take a step back and be like, what is that guy? Is that even any of my business at all to judge this person? Are they harming anyone else? Do I know them? I'm I going to remember them ten videos later that are scrolled. No, so let them just. I don't have to comment. Let Them Be. If they're not harming anyone, they're having a good, consensual time. Let Them Be. And obviously, another big thing that I always advocate for is educating ourselves properly and talking about it. Talk about this shit. Educate yourself, look it up. Google is a best place. They're going to be some there's going to be some misinformation out there. It's going to start out kind of tricky learning what kind of sources to look for and went to trust and how to discern what is viable information what's not. But get out there and educate yourselves. Ask a lot of questions, find credible information and if you are in a place to do so, you can ask people about that lifestyle. It does not their job to do the emotional labor and educate you, but if they have created an educational environment where that's kind of what they're out, absolutely ask questions. Do it in a respectful way, don't just be like what the where the fuck did this come from? Kind of they do it in a respectful way, but ask the questions and I've had so many tender conversations, especially when I worked at Leve Boutique, where men would tell me their canks almost instantly, which is I don't recommend doing that because it's kind of rude, but I would start just digging...

...in asking them questions. I was like, you're going to disrespect my boundaries, might as well learn something while I'm here. So I would ask them about their kinks that they had already told me about, ask them why that, like what elements of that specific cank got like got that reaction from them, kind of where the source might be from, if they've tried it before, if they haven't, what like or some pros and cons? What are some boundaries surrounding that cank. What if they learned that they like and don't like about it? Um So, if someone invites you to ask questions, ask questions. Otherwise, like get out there, do your research. There's tons of resources out there. If I do mind up making this website soon, I will try to link resources as well. But that kind of wraps up everything I wanted to say. I know I went kind of quickly and I could definitely dig deeper on a lot of these points, but I think this is a good starting point and I did invite you to ask me questions about anything that I have any type of knowledge on anything podcast related that I've talked about. Even if I don't know something, I might be able to have resources that can give you more information that are good, incredible, viable research resources. So, on that note, thank you so much for tuning in again. I swear I'm trying to get back into this routine. I will get there. I'll get back to it eventually. Thank you so much. Have a great week and by.

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