Sex, Love, And Psych
Sex, Love, And Psych

Episode · 1 year ago

Episode 3: Consent


This episode works to discuss the legal definition of consent, provide examples of how to communicate consent and make a safe environment for your partner, as well as provide resources for those who have had their consent breached.

Okay. So welcome back to sex, love and psych thank you so much for tuning in yet again. We are on week three of full episodes and if you're still with me, thank you so much. I wanted to start this episode off with a trigger warning and I'll be discussing a lot of consent issues and stuff, and I do acknowledge that that can be really tough to listen to for someone who has experienced sexual assault, but this is a really, really important topic to me. So sorry, not sorry if I got really fired up and if this episode is a little bit longer, because there's a lot of really important topics that I want to cover and a lot of resources I want to share with you at the end. So please just stick through it with me and we can get through and maybe you'll learn something new. So first off, I wanted to start off with the five points of consent. So, legally in Canada at least, these are different, five different points of when consent cannot be obtained. So first one, consent cannot be obtained if someone else says Yes for you. So your friend can't be like, oh, yeah, she's good, she totally wants to sleep with you, like just go for it. That seems pretty obvious, but it's on there. Number two pretty well known. Consent can't be obtained if abuse of power, trust or authority. So bosses, coaches, caregivers, doctors, cops, counselors. This can also include an informal social power. So abusing the fact that someone has a lot of money or social standing, resources or just even social authority. People can't abuse that to coer someone into having... it. You can't consent that situation. Number three, consent can't be obtained when someone says or even implies no through words or actions. Saying no is not the only way to not give consent. Someone can say I don't really feel like it, I want to go home. Someone can cringe away from your touch. Someone can just give a lot of space in between two of you. Someone can even just freeze up and not say anything. They can't give consent unless they are given consent explicitly. And consent cannot be obtained if someone is a unable to give a consent. Again, it sounds pretty obvious, but if someone is passed out, if someone is super wasted or intoxicated on other substances, like having a couple drinks, and being wasted. We all know there's are completely, completely different things. And one cool thing that I learned through, of course that I did, is that the responsibly. Responsibility lies with the person inciting the sexual contact if both even if both people are intoxicated. So if I'm wasted and you're wasted and I want to sleep with you, I have to be responsible enough to know that you are too drunk to consent. Me being drunk is not a good enough excuse. Last one is consent cannot be obtained if someone changes their mind at any point. Someone can, before a date, can be like Oh yeah, like we're going to go home or going to sleep together. You can sex, you can dirty talk, but if after that date they just aren't feeling it for any reason at all, it's no longer consent. If you're halfway through... and someone has a panic attack or just isn't feeling it, just feels really uncomfortable, they can withdraw that consent at any point. If you try and for them to go beyond that, that is sexual us all. With all that being sent said, consent needs to be mutual, so going both ways, enthusiastic, so not be grudgingly given consent needs to be freely given, so not coerced, and it needs to be ongoing, which touches on the whole thing where I mentioned it can be removed at any point. Asking for consent for sexual touching, if it's kissing, hugging, whatever, especially in a first date, it can feel really, really awkward sometimes, and it can, it can it can definitely be awkward, but I think that we should all practice this more because it takes away that gray area on both sides. If hey say, if I say, Hey, can I kiss you, you've said yes. Great, now we're built on the same page. We can have a good time. If I say can I kiss you, and I make a comfortable enough space for you to be good enough and comfortable enough with me to say no, then we might not be on the same page, but hey, at least we both know where we each other stands, and that can stock and be awkward at first, but it's going to be worth it in the long run. Consent isn't just an issue that needs to be brought up on a first date or with someone new, though. Consent also needs to be a conversation, and that is had when you are in a relationship there's doesn't necessarily mean asking every single time you want to hug, kiss, cuttle have sex with your partner, but it does mean that this is a conversation that needs to be had, preferably early on.

But if if you've been together and you haven't really talked about it, haven't now just go for it. It's going to be kind of an awkward conversation sometimes, but it's one worth having for sure. So with consent. In a longterm relationship. Some people love the surprise physical interactions and that can be under the physical touch love language, which I will discuss in a future episode. It's mentioned before, but some people do to pass trauma or just not liking physical touch. Those people might actually want you to check in before hugging kissing will have an on them in any kind of way. This isn't an important conversation to you have an important thing to know about your partner, because they might be uncomfortable without you knowing it one way or the other, and you might be uncomfortable without them knowing it one way or another. So this kind of relates back to the communication episode, where's just like get that conversation had. You might learn something new about each other or you'll just find out that you're on the same page, and who doesn't like that? Another misconception or kind of backwards belief about consent in relationships is that people feel obligated to have sex whenever their partner wants to and they feel like it's kind of their job. This is not the case, peep. Everyone in a relationship should have the right to say no to sex whenever they need to or whenever they want to, whenever they're not feeling it, and this is something that can be really hard to not take personally. But not wanting sex can be attributed to things like depression, stress, anxiety, lacking in other areas of the relationship, like communication or quality time, whatever the whatever, that person's love languages. If they're not receiving it, they might not want be. They...

...might not be prone to wanting to have sex because they feel left out in other areas of the relationships that are important to them. This is important to work through and communicate, for sure, but it does relate back to the consent thing and not taking it personally when your partner Says No. For one really good example of this in media on a TV show. If you look up. These shown normal people on CBC Gem. I believe my older brothers fiance actually recommended this to me. Thanks, Leyah. But there are some amazing examples of what consider comfortable consent looks like. It even though the two main characters have known each other for years, the male lead make sure to ask the his partner, or even before their partners. He makes sure to ask if she's okay with what's happening and as well as ensure her that it is completely okay if she is not. So that leads into making a safe enough space for someone to be comfortable enough to say no. One thing on facebook that I saw a couple days ago. I reposted it. It said a yes isn't consent unless there's a choice. I guess doesn't mean anything unless saying no is a safe and comfortable option. I know tons of people, male and female, who felt like they're expected to say yes or go along with sex. So they did because they didn't feel comfortable and or safe enough to say no. Myself included some mom working on but sometimes it just feels easier or safer to do it and get it over with than to face the confrontation or possible physical harm from the other person. This can be in hookups, this can be in relationships, this can be in any situation and I think modern dating and the kind of like the hookup, no strings at much...

...culture has really contributed to this and the there's a lot of social pressure and expectation on both people that are going on the state or hanging out or Netflix and chilling to have sex that it makes it really hard. It makes it quite a bit harder to try and say no and put your foot down just because you think that that is your role in this interaction, and there might have. There may as well be like this might be happening on both sides. So I might be feeling pressured socially into this interaction, but the person I'm with might also be feeling pressured and we just don't communicate that. So we just both feel obligated to have sex and this can be really toxic and damaging to your mental health. So with that societal pressure and the perceived expectation of the other person, it can be really hard to have that conversation or try to back out of a sexual encounter. But I think it's something that we all need to work on and we need to be more observant of how the other person is reacting in the scenario. If you're with someone and it seems like they might just be going along with it or there might be a little bit uncomfortable beyond just nerves, just stop and ask your health if you've created an environment where they feel comfortable to say no. I've hung out with people who I would be comfortable saying now. I'm hung out with people who I wouldn't be comfortable saying now, and I genuinely try to make an environment where the other person would be fine and feel comfortable with turning me down, because it is not their obligation or their job to do whatever I want them to do. It's it's got to be a conversation which links back to that...

...communication episode where we are both making sure that we're on the same page the entire time. It's going to start off awkward, but the more you do it, the easier it's going to be. Beyond all that, when it comes to areas of coercion, if you have to convince someone to have sex with you, that's not consent. If someone's constantly turning you down and turning you down and turning you down? Why? Why would you want to put in all that extra work? I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who would want to go on a date with you or want to have sex with you, or want to hug you, R kiss you or whatever, without you having to convince them. So why would you want to put all that extra work into convince someone to be with you, whether it's in a relationship or sexually, when they've constantly already turned you down so many times? That is not consent. If someone finally just goes okay, fine, that is coercient, because nothing gives you the right to have sex with someone or sexually touch them without their permission. Doesn't matter if you're in a relationship, doesn't matter if they thought they wanted to have sex with you, doesn't matter if you were having sex. None of these things give you the right to push sex on someone without their permission. And I will acknowledge that this is not just targeted to female victims. This happens to men and women, young and old, constantly, like when you see the trope about the older woman, like the mom who takes the virginity of the fifteen, sixteen year old of like her kids friend or something. That's that's not consent, that's that's...

...underage. First of all, that's a position of authority and powers socially over that person. There is that expectation, that societal pressure, and that is not that should not be the goal for young men. That should be a source of shame for the older women. Honestly, I I've heard too many of these stories for men and women in my life who have experienced these things and they're constantly still dealing with it. One thing that I did learn in one of my sociology courses this past semester was about the dark figure of crime and specifically in regards to sexual assault. I just wanted to put it out there that ninety five percent of assaults, according to a self report Studi down in two thousand and fourteen in Canada. Ninety five percent of sexual assaults go unreported. So just because someone hasn't reported anything or just because the number seem lower doesn't mean that this isn't an ever growing, still prevalent issue that needs to be addressed. To to really learn a lot about proper consent, I think we should all as a society, really look towards the bedsm community and I'm not talking about fifty shades or whatever that other movie with the boat scene was. The real bedsm community teaches us a lot about consent in situations like the bondage or impact play, which I'll touch on. I'll touch on all the stuff in future episodes. But consent is so, so, so important in the bedsm community that it is a conversation that has had before, during...

...and after any sexual encounter or like play scene or whatever you want to call it. There are safe words that need to be respected, especially between like DOMs and subs, and this is something that people consistently check in with their partner on, even if it's after the fact of a scene. If someone, someone will, it's a conversation that is had between the two players or multiple players, however many people are there are. That's a given take of what someone was comfortable with, what they maybe thought they would be comfortable with but weren't. What needs to be changed going forward, and I think that more quote Unquote Vanilla people could really, really, really learn from this example and just be consistently checking in with their partners. It is not something that needs to be awkward or shamed. It is something that needs to be embraced and communicated. So I think that was all I wanted to touch on for consent, for the issues, but I did also want to give a list of resources for people who have experienced sexual assault or maybe know someone who has or wants to learn more about consent and sexual assault and how to recognize and respond to it. So first, for the Edmonton area, there is the sexual assault center of Edmonton, also known as safe the they have a support and infull line and that is seven, eight, zero, four, two, three, four, one, two one. They offer a counseling court, support and things like public public education. I actually did a course through them and it was kind of pay what you can kind of thing. I think I paid twenty five. Is called recognizing and responding to sexual violence.

It's how to recognize this sexual assault in the people around you, how to hold space for people, how to respond when someone tells you they've been sexually assaulted, and gives a list of a lot more extensive resources that you or they can use. I'd highly recommend it. You get a little certificate at the end. It was very informative and just really helped lay things out in a way that made sense. There are various shelters throughout Alberta in Canada. I can give more information on those if you contact to me. Or there is the Canadian Association of Sexual Assault Centers that you can just Google and they'll help find a rape crisis or even woman shelter in your province. Alberta specifically has the Alberta's online for sexual violence. You can call or text one hundred and eight hundred and six six, four zero and three eight zero, zero or zero. If you're in the Calgary area, there's a Calgary Sexual Response Team Info Line and that is four zero undred and three nine hundred and fifty five six zero three zero. And you can also message me any time. I'm here for you too. I may not be professional, but I can send you these resources. I can send you the five points of consent. I know a couple really good videos, or I can just hold space for you and you can talk to me about it. No judgment here, but yeah, thanks so much for tuning in. Guys, looks like I haven't gone over my regular amount of time. I feel like I kind of rushed through and talk pretty fast because this is kind of a difficult topic. But if you have any feedback, questions, concerns, etc. Most of you...

...have my contact information, so just let me know. Thanks so much for tuning in again. See you here next week.

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