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Sex, Love, And Psych
Sex, Love, And Psych

Episode · 11 months ago

Episode 20: Coming Out Stories

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

For the second week of my Pride month episodes I decided I would share some stories of people who I have spoken with about what different coming out stories can look like. I would like to thank everyone who trusted me with their stories and want to remind people that you are valid whether you have come out or not.

Hello and welcome back to this week's newest episode of Sex, love and psych just a reminder of this length of June I am going to be doing episodes related to the LGBTQIA plus communities every single week until the end of June. This week I wanted to bring some focus to just different people's coming out stories, the variety in some of the similarities, all of that kind of stuff. This isn't my usual educational style or format of my episodes, but I really thought it would be a valuable experience to hear from some of these people in there in these communities and kind of discuss coming out and maybe how it's changed over the years, maybe how it hasn't. I just wanted to think from the deepest realms of my heart everyone who trusted me to share their coming out stories. I really believe that that can be a really big deal, depending on people's different phases of where they're at in their coming out. I just super, super appreciate your input. I wanted to say that anyone listening or anyone that contributed, you are valid. Your identity is valid, whether you are out or not, or out to some people but not others. The knowledge that people have of you and how they perceive you does not in invalidate who you know you are, and I just wanted to let everyone know that and just a little bit of a reminder there. And I did also want to say again happy pride to all of these members of the LGBTQ, I. But a plus communities, and any allies out there. Thank you so much for listening and tuning in and maybe trying to learn something new about ...

...these communities. So, diving right in today, I wanted to start with a couple of these shorter, more simple ones that I got, some more, a lot more detailed, some more into detailed. That's awesome. I love the variety. It's all good. So diving into one, one of my facebook friends says I was seventeen when I realized I was by and it hit me like a brick wall. I was with my best friend and I told her while I cried, and she just told me I was loved and I, in response to that, said thank you so much for sharing your story. And this particular friend decided to add on that when they did come out to their parents, that I didn't go quite as well. I didn't want to dig for details, but that just coast to show different people in your life are going to have different responses to you and that doesn't change who you are. Another short but absolutely wonderful story that I received from a friend kind of funny. They said that their dad was cleaning their hair out because they had got lice at the time when she told him, and he actually was very, very happy and thankful that she felt comfortable to tell him and come out to him, and she added on to me in this conversation that that's when she really understood what unconditional love was. So sometimes, even if it's not something that we expect to find out or are conscious that were worried about, sometimes a positive response can really feel like validating and have that really important and conditional love aspect. So Super, super happy. They're one comment on a post that I made, or like. It's just somewhere on facebook. I believe. It was stated that they were able to come out to...

...their straight partner. I'm not sure what they came out as. I didn't want to pry and just wanted to let them say what they wanted to include, but they came out to their straight partner. They are no longer together. But they're good friends, but the partner's family apparently had some really, really negative responses and that can be super unfortunate. But I am super glad that this individual was able to stay friends with that partner, even if they didn't work out Romantically, and they noted that they were able to cut out that toxic family, because that's not something you need, especially when you're in the early stages of figuring out who you are and what your identity is. You really want to surrounder people yourself with people that validate you rather than project their toxicity on you. I did have someone else share their story of their non binary journey and identification and some of their coming out, and they told me that growing up and in their teenage years and stuff, they always knew that they were some sort of queer identity, but they didn't really have a name or title for it until they actually went to university and learned in a I believe it was a site class, but who know? I think it was, they learned the term non binary and kind of what it included and saw that this description was actually really something that resonated with them. So it's not always something you learn about in your teen years, but once you can hear that phrase that resonates with you, it can really help give you some direction. This individuals coming out process, they notice, very gradual still ongoing.

They originally came out to their Carpool of friends that they go to and from university with and some of their other friends, and thankfully they were accepted by a lot of them. They note that they turns out I'm friends with a big bunch of Caeer, so I was right at home. They decided that they didn't want their parents to know until they had some distance between them. But this past November they were in a bit of a rough spot and it was really bothering them that their parents didn't have this knowledge of their non binary identity. So they kept referring to them with she her pronouns, and as a daughter, and that just didn't feel accurate and caused a lot of mental turmoil for them. So they actually wound up crying to their mom and a explaining it, and they note that that their mother hasn't quite got it a hundred percent yet, because it can be new territory for some people who don't know as much about it. But since then they've been able to have a lot of earnest conversations about identity and self, and their mother has been able to recognize how much happier this individual is living as nonbinary instead of playing the role of a female talent. This person has also went as far as taking the somewhat scary step of identifying publicly as nonbinary and even going so far as to wedding employers and interviewers there know what their preferred pronouns are. They note that it's always been a bit scary because you never know the reaction you're going to get, but so far, so good, and they found a lot of support of people since they came out and are in a much better spot. So, if this is your story, I just wanted to let...

...you know again thank you so much for sharing. Your identity is valid and you are eons above a lot of people in your journey and just keep sticking to being your brave, fierce nonbinary self. So with this next story I want to share, it really exemplifies how coming out and realizing your identity and orientation and all of that is a general ongoing process. It can change, it can have a lot of steps. Sometimes you have to come out multiple times with different identities. It's all a very valid and normal journey and I'm just going to jump right into it. So this person, the first time they came out as gay was when they were nine or ten, again showing the variance an age of realization and coming out. They were hanging out with a couple, their cousin and a friend, and the cousin and friends started talking and ended up telling this person that they were gay and kind of what that meant. And this was a new phrase to this particular nine or ten year old and a little bit shocking at first because they didn't know of any gay people. It was more like a Dissan idea than an actual realistic possibility. But they state that their brains started working double time while they learned all this new information and everything really resonated and kind of clicked and they kind of blurted out that I think I like girls too. Shortly after this happened, unfortunately, their mother found religion and it kind of scared them into not telling anybody else other than those that confident. Like in confidence came out to this person. Then they felt like they were able to come out as well, and it wasn't until they left a long term relationship with a man that they...

...finally were able to come out to their parents, who were shocked but wound up being accepting and held the belief of love is love. And for part two of this individual's journey, in terms of this one's more about the gender identity and the non binary phrase as well. They didn't know much about being nonbinary until second year of UNI, when they really began to learn what it was, learn the phrase, and that sneaking familiarity came back in and questioning. This person had a bit of a harder time with their identification and resonating with nonbinary because they dressed and appeared typically feminine and had long hair. As we discussed in last week's episode, Non Binary people are generally seen as very androgynous, but this isn't something that always expands to every single non binary person, which seems to be the case here. They are very feminine presenting, but they did also note that ticktock actually really helped them to kind of sort through these questions they had when a tick talk popped up on their for you, pitch of a person who is asking same questions and like does dismissos that they were feeling like, can I be nonbinary if I have long hair or if I like dresses? How do I relate to being a woman? So this individual actually had a conversation with the same cousin that discussed being gay, because this cousin had come out as trends a couple years before this, all this non binary awakening, and they were able to have a conversation about gender and realization. And this president states that again, as the cousin was telling...

...his story, I started putting the pieces of my life together. Everything was making sense again and I told them I think I'm nonbinary. They go on to note that, as I kind of mentioned, that coming out isn't really a single story or point in time. It can involve multiple different people at different points in your life. It's a very fluid process and usually involves a lot of questioning and different labels and kind of testing different feelings out, and it can be a matter of safety and comfortability, and I just wanted to stay again this is a super valid and normal journey to have and you don't have to come out to every single person you know in order to be proud of who you identify. Asks the next story that I am able to include makes reference to kind of being in an earlier part of the coming out journey, being out to specific people only, and kind of how this person related their identity and how they kind of had to struggle with their religion and church group as well. So, diving into that, we talked about how they weren't fully, quote unquote, out with everyone, but only with the individuals who matter the most at the current moment. Super valid part of the process. They say that their mom, brother and two best friends are the only ones that know and that when they told each of them, on all separate occasions, they this individual had major panic attacks beforehand because of how scared they were of judgment and of potential questions that would be asked. It isn't usually seen as you stuff quick, Oh this is my sexual orientation or this is...

...my gender identity, let's move on. There can be long, drawn out conversations, as we know, with people wanting to better understand who we are what we are, but it can cause a lot of anxiety trying to prep for those in depth conversations. Firs and even said I just wanted to be like, oh, guess what, I'm biased buck. What's for dinner and like I wish we were at the point where we could just say that, and a lot of people are. I don't super happy, but a lot of people aren't, and that's definitely something worth acknowledging. They went on to state it's been especially difficult in this last year because they had been attending a church since they were in high school and since the pandemic started, have become even more dismayed with how organized religions view lgbtq plus people and their lifestyle, quote unquote. They know if I hear that one more time, I'm going to scream fair reaction, but they're at this point now where they feel strong enough to leave the church if they're not a hundred percent accepted as they are, regardless of the gender or lack of gender of my partner. They expect to not be accepted, though, and that's what's kind of given them that extra bit of courage to be okay with that community not being a part of their life anymore, because they know that there are so many people out there who are accepting and it's the people in the church aren't ready to one hundred percent accept them, then that's something that they can move past and move away from. It is the they did note that they're specific church that they've attended for like over a decade is very much the kind of underhanded judge mental type. So that can be really tough to do with all those kind of microaggressions that build up, kind of similar to gas lighting, where it's no one...

...big thing or one big piece of hatred, but it's just all the little nit picking and stuff that kind of start to build up and drive you crazy. But they did also add that they now know they're worth as a person and their desire to be open means a hell of a lot more than what a Christian may think of them. With that little bit, I did actually have just a thing pop into my mind. In my sexual and gender minority children, like working with sexual and Gender Minority Children Class, we did have a unit on like these identities and religion and I was able to like we had a guest speaker on who is actually a lesbian pastor here in Edmonton. So her instagram is at, I believe, the real life Pam Rocker, but I'm just going to go double check that quick. Okay, just double checked. It is actually at real PAM ROCKER ARE EA l Pam rck er. So I did want to just add that in for this person or for anybody else in Lgbtq I a plus communities who do identify with religion or different churches. I have few go check her out on instagram. I believe that there is a list of LGBTQIA plus accepting churches and organizations in Edmonton or I'm sure she could connect you with someone. I did want to just note that, though, they aren't always needing to be completely separate things, although there is a lot of judgment and kind of overzealous hatred from the Christian Church in history against these communities. So it's a valid, very valid, very normal...

...struggle. But yeah, real PAM rocker on instagram. Co Check her out. There's some youtube videos and stuff too. So now that I've shared everybody else's little coming out stories that I have here again, thank you so much for those that shared your stories with me. I hope I did you justice by sharing them. Thank you for tuning in as well. But with all that being said, I did want to give a little, I guess, insight into mine. I'm not I'm also not completely out, so but if you're listening to this, obviously I'm very comfortable with you knowing. I just haven't went out of my way to come out very publicly. I don't feel like having a billion different conversations about my sexuality. But I am bisexual. In the last anyone who's met me in the last I would say five, five, maybe six years would already know that, because I find it really easy to introduce myself as bisexual. When I meet someone or who they don't have a set idea of who I am already, I find it really easy to just interro direct that or let them know early in the conversation. But when it comes to people who have known me longer, not as many of you might know. Two of my best friends, who have known since like kindergarten, just found out a few months ago, I want to say was like November something, because of a silly drinking game we were playing. My mom just had it. She's I knew she suspected things. She always asked me if I was the lesbian, so I just said No. One avoided elaboration, but we did just have a talk very recently where she was like Oh, this you telling me your bisexual. What I was like, that wasn't the point of that post, but you got it right this time.

I am thankful to say that everyone in my life that does know has been very, very accepting. They haven't looked at me any differently other than like maybe just not assuming that all my dates are with men, and that's pretty much my story so far. I'm still in the process, I guess, of figuring all that out and letting the people in my life know that that's who I am and that's who I love or can love. been going on a lot more dates with women in the last bit and, yeah, just really exploring that. So thank you to all of the people in my life who love and support me no matter what. I appreciate you every single day. The one response I have got a few times is, oh, well, I just kind of assumed that you think. Got told by one CO worker. He's like, well, I just always kind of assumed your kind of fruity. I didn't really think you needed to come out, but everyone's got a different experience. Again, I wanted to thank those who shared their experiences with me. All of your journeys and identities are valid whether you're out or not, and happy pride months. Everybody, please tune in again next week. I'm still working on a couple topics, but I'm so excited to share more about the LGBTQIA plus communities. Have a great rest of your week.

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