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Sex, Love, And Psych
Sex, Love, And Psych

Episode · 1 year ago

Episode 14: Attachment Styles

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

A look at how attachment styles develop, the different categories, how they can manifest in your relationship, and how you can grow into a more secure style.

Hello and welcome back to sex, love and psych. Thanks so much for tuning in. This week for episode fourteen, I decided to do a long away to topics that a few people have asked for and that I've been planning on for a while, and that is attachment styles. HMM. So what are attachment styles? Simply put, it's a way to describe how you express and experience attachment in relationships with other people. So I will get into more of how they come about, how we can change them. All that. So buckling, just some history on attachment styles. They have been studied and been around for a long time. The study of attachment styles covered in my developmental Psych Textbook, which I will be referencing quite a bit in this episode, was based on one to two year olds reaction to their parents and caregivers in a series of strange situation episodes developed by Mary Ainsworth in the s. These tests included eight steps and these eight steps were step one, experiment or introduces the parent or caregiver and baby to the playroom and leaves parents sits. Well, baby plays, just kind of sitting hanging out with them. A strange your enters, sits and talks to the parent. The parent then leaves. Stranger offered offers comfort. If the baby is upset, the parent returns, greets babies and offers comfort. If baby is upset and the stranger leave leaves sorry, then the parent leaves the room. Stranger enters, offers comfort. Parent returns greets baby, offers comforts if necessary and tries to interest the baby in toys. So there's a lot of like separation and rere reunion,...

...to just discover and try and study how the baby connects to the parent or caregiver as well as the stranger. So I've seen some Oh, just to add the results and percentage of children in each category vary from country to country as different cultures have different parenting styles. It's not to say one is better than the other, but there's just some difference in categorization and popularity of styles. So just a little extra note for you. I have seen some variants in the names of the categories and different numbers of categories online, but I'll be basing today's episode on like these categories that are discussed in the merry, as were study. So first of all is secure attachment. It's assigned when the child is seen welcoming contact with their caregiver, using them as a secure base while exploring the environment, possibly initially upset when the caregiver leaves, but welcomes their return, and they're also friendly with the stranger when the caregiver is present. Number two is the are resistant attachment. Also it's a type of insecure attachment. Shows strong separation protest when the caregiver leaves, but it's resistant to their contact on return. But they also cling to the caregiver before they leave and they're wary of strength the stranger in general. Third is the avoid an attachment, which is fearful, which is another insecure attachment. There's very little separation anxiety when the parent leaves and it they have a tendency to ignore or avoid the caregiver throughout the process. They can be friendly with strangers, but they may also just actively avoid and ignore the strangers. The final category that we will be discussing is the disorganized or disoriented attachment. Again, it's...

...another insecure attachment style. They are child is most stressed by the strange situation out of all of these styles and the most insecure. There's a lot of confusion when their CAGAR CAREGIVER RETURNS, they may first seek out the caregiver and then push them away in like avoid them after they return. So the see the return of the caregiver to try and reach out for comfort and then they'll start to actively avoid them after and they're just very confused and insecure with that attachment. So an attachment que set, is also like question set, has also been created to more effectively categorize for children one to five years old based on attachment behavior in their homes. So, like this Mary aims were, study is not the only way that people can figure out their attachment style or study attachment styles and children's there are a few different ways. So some influencing factors included in kind of what type of attachment style forms can be quality of care received, emotional climate of the home, the child's health conditions and the temperament of the child. So you might be thinking that this is kind of a neat concept, but not a hundred percent sure of why I'm including it in the contents context of my podcast, as I generally talk more about sex and relationships, not necessarily parents. But I decided to include this because it is said to dictate and kind of form the foundation of how we relate to others in our lives, like in relationships and friendships and all that kind of stuff. And here's how. So the level at which we feel we can depend on our parents in early childhood and how we can depend on ourselves affects...

...how we feel and we can depend. It effects that we feel we can depend on others and also works to form how we view our selves and what value we hold. And in an ideal world we would all love to be secure attachment styles, super healthy, able to depend on those who love us, feel like we have a lot to offer and it's just a very reciprocal relationship. But unfortunately this isn't always the case. These working models of how we view ourselves and others can also be influenced by other relationships throughout our lives. So this isn't only formed based on our relationship with our parents. It can be kind of moved and changed and grow and you can have some shift depending on the relationships you take part in as an adult and throughout your life as well. And that is why they're called working models, because they're not static, they are not formed that way forever. You can do some work and find yourself and better relationships that will or worse relationships that can kind of shift your style. In a chart created by Bartholome you and Horowitz that I found in my little textbook, here we see that a positive outlook of self and a positive outlook of others is kind of what summarizes the secure relationship, and negative outlook of self and a positive outlook of others kind of results in that preoccupied or resistant attachment style. Positive Outlook of self, negative outlook of others is the dismissing and avoidance style, and negative outlook of self and negative outlook of others results in that fearful, disorganized one that we talked about. So what did these look like in relationships? How do they manifest as an adult beyond the age range of one to five years old? So if you have a secure attachment style, that would kind of look like you be leaving...

...that you are worthy of your partner's affection. You can provide affection for your partner. They're capable of providing it to you and you trust them to do that. Isn't one that just be rutiful if that's how all of our relationships worked all of the time? HMM, ideal world. But moving on, the resistant or preoccupied attachment style that we kind of talked about there can manifest as being afraid to be alone, putting your partner on a pedestal. Again. This is the negative outlook of self and positive outlook of others. So you feel very anxious, kind of like they're doing you a favor. You're constantly thinking and fearing that they're going to leave you because you don't have that positive outlook of yourself and you only have that positive outlook of others. You feel like that person is the better half of your relationship consistently. So instead of being that reciprocal back and forth, I'm able to provide for you, you can provide for me kind of relationship. It this specific attachment style more results in you constantly giving everything you can and relying on your partner's positive feedback and just putting them on a puzzle pedestal, always feeling that they're going to leave. Just very anxious, resistant, very preoccupied attachment. So the next one is the avoidant, dismissive kind of attachment styles. So this is kind of comes in if you're like the strong, independent lady or man who don't need a partner and feel like you can't depend on anyone but yourself. That's gonna slide under this avoiding attachment style. That's going to be a positive view of yourself and your abilities and a very negative outlook of others and their ability...

...to provide for you or their consistency to provide for you. This is kind of one that would come if we're looking at the early parent relationship. This kind of would come with very inconsistent parenting where you didn't feel like you had a caregiver or some all or you're a parent that you could rely on to always provide for you. That's that's kind of going to result in this. You can be a strong, independent person and still be in a secure relationship and have a secure attach in style, but if you're putting your independence and strength and never believing a different person could ever possibly be there for you in the way that you need, that's going to be where the avoidance and dismissive style comes in. So the final one was the disorganized story. disoriented. Disoriented can't. You're going to be constantly afraid of being hurt, but you also just want to like hold your close intoment relationships really tight. You never really feel stable. You don't you have a lot of troubles trusting you and others. This is where it comes in, with that negative outlook of self, a negative outlook of others. So you didn't have that reinforcement that you had the abilities to care for yourself and you didn't have that reinforcement that other people had the ability to care for you. So when both of those are missing, that's when you're going to get that disorient disorganized, disoriented, unstable relationships. So again worth noting these feelings aren't always just coming from in insecurity like this is an you may not be feeling stable in your relationship and you may not be trusting of the person because they might be a shitty person.

So keep that in mind. Not all problems are in your head. Remember all the gas lighting and all that kind of stuff. But this kind of stuff comes in if you are with a partner who genuinely can be relied on. They're consistent, secure, they're not constantly shitting on you or putting you down all the time. They are actually a very stable person and like healthy for you. They're not putting you down or belittling you or gaslighting you or all that stuff. If they are actually being a solid human being and you still feel like, oh my God, they're going to leave me or Oh my God, I don't need them, I need to hold them out arms length, that's when you might want to take a little time to just look inward kind of assess for these feelings might be coming from. If you had a solid person growing up or if you didn't, if you had some inconsistency, or even your past relationships before this person where they very inconsistent, or were they stable people that just that kind of didn't work out? All that kind of stuff you just need to really review and kind of DIG Debon. So again, the attacherent styles can change, as you were, on your view of self and others. You can like consciously work towards a more secure attachment. You might still have some remnants of whatever your insecure attachment style is, but once you know that it's there and you know how to address it and you know what you need to work on, you can definitely build up a more secure attachment style. But that does sound like a lot of work to do personally when you don't know where to start. You don't know what kind of a source this is coming from. You kind of just aren't feeling a little bit all over the place. You don't know how to fix this.

Find a therapist. Therapy is great. Find one that works well for you. That's going to be one thing they aren't maybe aren't necessarily a bad therapist, maybe they're just not right for you. That's happened to me. That happened to me with a very recent therapist. Just didn't really work out. But find one that works for you and you kind of Mesh well with and you can really start to dig on in on these attachment styles. With all of that being said, it can be easy to really get angry at your parents for kind of setting you up with one of these insecure attachment styles from the point when you were a child, but you also have to keep in mind they were raised a certain way, they might have their own insecure attachment styles. They may be just doing the best with what they have and they aren't even aware of stuff like this and they are just or even if they didn't do the best with what they have, they are humans. You can work and grow in these areas. It's not all based on parents if you had another kind of prominent adult in your life when you were a baby, like a grandparent and uncle, someone like that, who consistently cared for you, made you feel loved and stuff, you can like be more likely to be able to develop that secure attachment style. And also, just because you may be resistant, avoiding, disorganized, you can still have a healthy, healthy relationship with someone who grew up with a more secure attachment style, especially with your own knowledge that you have some insecurities in these areas and you can build on and work with them. Going back to one of my first...

...episodes, I think it was the first episode. Actually, communication is going to be huge when you are kind of feeling your way through these types of things. Being willing to discuss these things with your partner, work on these things internally, having a therapist you can go to is absolutely amazing. I will always recommend it. But just because you have an insecure attachment style like the last three that were listed, doesn't mean you're broken, it doesn't mean you're a terrible person. You can work on it, you can grow. It's going to take time. Just try not to be too hard on yourself with going on from all of this when you are looking to get into relationships. It's also good to kind of have this talk early. See if they have any insecurities, see kind of what both of your attachment styles are, see how you can work on them together maybe. And when you are considering getting into a relationship with someone and really assessing if they seem like they will be a healthy partner or someone who's really toxic, think of them as a contributor to your attachment style. Do you think that they are going to kind of lead you into one of these more insecure attachments or more of a secure attachment? See kind of the work you've done. Are you really willing to let someone else kind of pull you back into your insecurities rather than help you advance towards something more secure? Are they really worth it? Because you are worth a healthy relationship, you are well worth a healthy mental health and you shouldn't let no dusty ass person, whether that be male, female, non binary somewhere in between. You shouldn't be allowing them to destroy your mental health.

Also, just something to keep in mind. Everyone has insecurities sometimes. Just because you occasionally feel one of these things doesn't mean you are an insecure individual. That just means you are human. Just try to keep it in check, acknowledge it, move on, grow from it. Really kind of assessed for that's coming from. If you need to communicate it with your partner, if you need to this less Lego US goes back to love, languages, what can what kind of things do you need from your partner, or what kind of things do you need to do to get rid of this insecurity? With all of that being covered, I hope I maybe helped you guys learn something new today, maybe help you look a little deeper into yourself and your relationships. If you want to have a conversation with me, absolutely hit me out. Most of you have my contact info one way or another. I would love to discuss it with you if you would like. Thank you so very much for tuning in. Thank goodness. This is my third lost day of isolation and I will talk to you guys next week. Have about wonderful weekend. Okay, by.

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