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Sex, Love, And Psych
Sex, Love, And Psych

Episode · 1 year ago

Episode 13: Harassment vs. Compliments

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Its super sunny and nice out, its sundress season, we've had limited social interaction the last year. So how do we know when its acceptable to compliment a stranger? Will we be accused of harassment? Here's a little guide for you to say when it could be appropriate and when it isn't.

Hey, welcome to this week's episode of Sex, love and PSYKE. So it's episode thirteen, season two, episode three, or something like that anyway. So today I wanted to talk about harassment. It's sun dressed season, it's super sunny, everybody's in a better mood. You might want to be complimenting some people that you see, especially with all this covid finally get an outside, a little bit socially distanced, but you might try to be like a little awkward or try to compliment someone. So we're going to discuss the difference between like harassment and like genuine compliments and like decent conversation. We have discussed some topics surrounding consent and boundaries and respect and those kind of things, but I really wanted to work on this harassment topic today because of a few different instances I've had in the last couple weeks that have really prompted this conversation and a lot of frustration. So first off, before we get into it, I am going to say that I know what happens to men too, and that's all so very wrong, but I experience it mostly from men as a woman. So that's how I'll be framing the conversation. Do You keep in mind that? I know it's not all men, but it's enough men that it warrants this talk. And just to start this off, there are differences between harassment and compliments, and if you don't know which one, whatever you're thinking of saying falls under play it safe, don't say it. Let the stranger just go on their day without your input. Also worth noting if your first instinct is to just tell a woman who's being harassed to stop being...

...nice. Just be a bitch, tell the guy to fuck off, be mean, whatever it is, your part of the problem. Ay. That takes responsibility off of the harasser. Let's start just not harassing people, and then we won't have to worry about how they have to react to harassment. Second being mean can make them more aggressive, aggressive and escalate it into a more dangerous situation. If you have, if you are a woman who has told a man know and had them get angry, then you know what I'm talking about. If you're a man who hasn't quite experienced this or witnessed it, you can just trust me on this. Being mean can escalate the danger levels. Thirdly, I'm a nice person for my own sake, not for theirs or to protect their feelings. When I get Bitchy, it makes me feel bad rex my mood just puts me in a grumpy mood because I don't like being bitchy. Sometimes if I'm being nice, it's simply because I'm trying not to allow them to ruin my mood or change my personality and who I am. This is not to shit on the girls who can handle being bitchy and telling dudes to fuck off. That's just not my personality and I shouldn't have to change that just because dudes don't know how to keep their mouth shut. Quite simply. So, some recent examples of harassment or over sexualization, unwanted attention kind of thing that I've recently encountered just existing as a woman. So the one I had a man message me off of and add on facebook market place where I was trying to sell two of my like cheeky poll rave bottoms and a skirt and he messaged me saying he would buy them and also the socks I was wearing in the photo and was just wildly inappropriate. There's...

...a lot of sites that you can go to to do that. Doing it on facebook marketplace to women who aren't marketing their items like that is just in consider it and it's harassing and gross. So don't not king shamming wanting to buy those items just there's places for it. Another example of very recently I posted a photo of my instagram on my instagram of a throwback photo from a boudoir shoot I had done with Miss Putrier Sia stables photography, and I captioned it something along the lines of no longer allowing how shitty men have treated me in the past dictate how I relate to the people who actually value me. And in response to this post, a person that I hung out with in the past a couple times, haven't talked to him for like a year, decided to DM me saying that's a hot pick. Is it a hot pick? Yes. Could he have just liked it and moved on? Yes. Could he read? Maybe not. I think it's comprehension is probably closer to a kindergarten level if he didn't get the message of don't oversexualize me and I'm not allowing your attitude towards me dictate how I love my life. Now the third most recent one. It's beautiful it's sunshiny. I decided to throw on some Sun Sun Dress, some eyelashers and lipstick yesterday just to feel good, feel cute, enjoy the sun, grab a nice coffee in a blanket, went and read a book on a Little Hill. As I was packing up to leave, a man and his two kids walked by and he decided to strike up some conversation with me, which in itself is not a terrible thing. He decided. He started it was saying like Oh, like, it looks like you found a really nice space to relax, and I was like...

...yeah, for sure, and then he decided to not go on, not stop. They're not just say hey, yeah, enjoy the sunshine, anything like that. Have a good day. As I'm packing up my stuff to leave, he adds, Oh, it's great to be able to take some clothes off and get out there. Hey, I was in a sun dress, I had shorts on underneath. I didn't dress that way to be sexualized or to be commented on by strange men. I had been so happy because I had almost made it through sitting outside enjoying my book alone without having a strange man decide to comment on me or what I was wearing or anything, and is that sexual harassment? Not explicitly, but it did make me wildly uncomfortable and made me want to leave even faster. So just like keep that in mind. Another one I have come into quite a few times is while I'm working, I will have men try to hit on me, use terms of endearment, get my name off my name tag and use it. Sometimes this stuff is okay, but it's gonna depend on two really important things, and those two things are context and delivery. So if you are chatting with someone at their worker at the park or at the bar or whatever, just try to consider these two things before saying whatever you want to say. So the first one was context. Ask Yourself, is she working? If she's working, she's probably being nice to you because that's literally her job. And maybe don't try to make it overly awkward. If you do want to let her know you're interested, don't ask her for her number. Maybe leave yours...

...puts the ball in her court while telling her you're interested without being as super awkward about it. But even then, just generally don't unless it's you guys have a relationship built out that kind of thing. But that's a different story. This is a person you're first interacting with. Just smile, be friendly, let them do their job. Another context question ask. Is She alone? Is She on one on the park? Is She alone walking down the street? is she alone at the Bar? If she waiting for a friend? If she's alone, she might already be on edge. Just don't approach her. If she just looks like she's vibing in her own space or a little tense or whatever it's going to be. Is She busy? Is She does she look like she's studying? Is She working on something? Is She reading a book? Is She listening to music? If she's just doing her own thing in her space, be very careful and very sure that you're not being a creep before you interrupt it. Next thing to consider is your delivery. Consider your tone, consider what language you're using. endearing names, like calling someone love or Hun can come off as really creepy or just friendly, same as using their name. In my situation it's kind of really weird because my name is on a lanyard over my stomach, so you kind of really have to look down for it and it just makes me feel weird. But yeah, think of your delivery, think of your tone, what language you're using, all that kind of stuff. I at first when I talk to you some of the guys at work about these terms, like a man calling me love or Hun at work. That a couple of them kind of panic because that they use that language a lot. But the context and delivery is so very different. I have creepy old men who are using it in a...

...condescending way or in a way that just fetishizes me and I'm just trying to do my job. First is someone who's just very friendly and you can tell that they use it in their day to day conversation and it's a normal thing. But again, if you are not sure if it's going to come off as super creepy or super friendly, maybe just don't just move on with your day. Let her move on with hers. Also, with word choice compliments like sexy, gorgeous, commenting on their body. It's gonna come off very creepy when you can compliment them on like their nails, makeup, hair, just not objectifying them, complimenting them on art, saying they're doing a great job, have a nice smile if we weren't Mary wearing masks. Some of that stuff just again if you don't know if it's creepy or if it's friendly, ask a female friend or just don't say it at all. Seems Pretty freaking easy. Things that I am sick of hearing in response to me talking about these situations. Oh, just take it as a compliment, just ignore him, don't let him ruin your day, don't take it so seriously. He's being harmless. No, I should be able to exist as a woman without men thinking that that entitles them to make any sort of commentary or feel entitled to my time and attention all the time. You might not always be giving compliments to every single woman. If you do, you probably aren't just creepy on this scale, but just consider you might not be the only one who is made a comment on what she looks like today and she's probably been dealing with these types of comments since she was a teenager, or sometimes even...

...before she was a teenager. So with me. I want to see. The earliest unwelcome sexual attention kind of thing I can recall happened when I was like one thousand, three hundred and fourteen, and I've been cat called and checked out and had a tongue clicked that and had my ass slapped and all of this, just walking around trying to be a human being, living my life for like close to thirteen, fourteen years. So keep that in mind when you see a woman snap at what seems like a very small and harmless, calm, cont like compliment, like the guy yesterday. He was just he said it really weird, but he was probably just trying to comment on it being a nice day and not having to wear like layers and layers of winter clothing, and that's he was fairly harmless, but it made me snap because this was the third example in the last week and a half of men doing this and making these types of comments while I just try to live my life and it's just unnecessarily and it's really rubbing me the wrong way. At this point. Another aspect of the whole Oh, don't like don't be so harsh, it's not that serious, he's harmless. Thing, how am I supposed to be able to judge in the first five hundred and ten thirty seconds of meeting someone, what it what their intentions are and if they're going to harm me? Peeple like sexual predators and abusers look like anybody and everybody. So to tell me that someone is harmless when they are already coming into my space or making our gross kind of crude comment to me. I have to...

...worry about my safety and I'm going to act like most of the time. If someone's coming off creepy, I'm going to trust that in stent. Just to further back this conversation up with some statistics, I have recently seen or heard the number ninety seven percent is going around on tick talk and social media and I believe it's to represent the percentage of women who have been sexually harassed in their lives. Ninety seven percent, so pretty much every single woman you know has dealt with some of this harassment at at least one point in her life. That's way too many. It might not be all men that are doing this, but it's almost all women that are experiencing it. So next time you're telling a woman to just shrug it off, just remember that she's this is every single woman, and the women you value in your life have also gone through it, so maybe just trust them to handle it and if you see it happening, call out the dude, don't tell the woman to just calm down. HMM, another statistic sixty one percent of women reported being the target of sexually suggestion suggestive comments. Sorry, sixty one percent of women reported being the target of sexually suggestive comments every day or often by strangers in public places. So these are just women existing and over half of women, every single day I have to deal with these comments from strangers. Eighty percent of women of harassed women said that their street harassment encounters occurred between the ages of thirteen and twenty five. So like thirteen, you could just be hitting puberty, but could be pretty puberty and you're already getting harassed on the street...

...from strangers. This is something that is just so ingrained in us from so early and we have to get used to so quickly and it's such a Goddamn chame. The other statistic I have here is that forty three percent of female runners said they always, often or sometimes received unsolicited sexual attention or sexual remarks from strangers during runs. These women aren't just on a parade for your attention. They're running for fitness, because they love to run, because I want to just enjoy the outdoors. Women who are just running shouldn't have to worry about being harassed. I'm not a runner. I kind of hate running, but the few times that I have considered it as like an extra cardio exercise when I was doing a lot more sports and stuff, obviously also before my leg injury. Um One thing that really held me back from the few moments that I decided, hey, maybe I want to go on a run was the fact that I have a larger boobs and sports bras don't like freeze your chest, so I just knew that if I want running, people would be staring at me and I would probably get those unsolicited sexual comments and I just obviously that's not the only thing that held me back, because I'm also just not a runner, but women who are runners shouldn't have to put up with this when they're just trying to stay fit. Have I seen attractive male and female runners when I'm out driving? Absolutely. Have I yelled at any of them? No, you can admire someone without commenting on it and making them uncomfortable. Sort of. This has been a little bit jumpy and all over the place, but I guarantee you if I would have done it yesterday when...

I first wrote up this plan, you would have heard a lot more rage, because I was so, so frustrated after that man spoke to me in the park, because it was just a tipping point for me. Was this comment big? Was it grotesque, as it overly sexual? No, but I am just so sick of dealing with it constantly. So and I, as I staid the beginning of that episode, I do acknowledge that women do this too. I've got occasional weird comments from women at like the bar and stuff, and I know that a lot of the guys I know, especially in bar scenarios, deal with a lot of sexual harassment as well. I will acknowledge that both genders do it. I'm not saying it's all that, I'm not saying it's all women, but it's enough women that are getting harassed and I'm one of them. So that is the position I speak from. So, with all of that being said, thank you so much for tuning in. Thanks for understanding with me taking last week off. I'm so happy I could just finish out my semester strong and not have to worry about putting out a podcast every single week. Thank you, guys, so much for all of these support. I've had a few people reach out more recently just saying how my podcast just help them or inspire them to create something of their own, and I value your guys with feedback and input and all of that just acknowledgement in that area so very much. So thank you all for that. I hope you guys can enjoy the sunshine and nice warm weather and I will talk to you next week. Have a great weekend. By.

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