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Sex, Love, And Psych
Sex, Love, And Psych

Episode · 1 year ago

Episode 11: Red Flag, Green Flag

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Some discussion about early signs in a relationship that should either make you think about running and some early signs that might be good indicators maybe you should stick around.

Hello and welcome back to sex, love and psych thank you so much for tuning in. I had a really nice week off working on my school work because semester's almost done, and just having some relaxation time for myself and I really appreciate you guys. I'll stick in with me and catching up on listens and all that. So thanks so much. Just one little thing, if you haven't entered my instagram facebook contest giveaway thingy, go check that out. It's on my instagram and facebook. Instagram is rested underscore memories. It's poster on my story right now, but it probably won't be by the time you guys listen to this, but it's one of my recent posts. It's very obviously the giveaway. There is still seventy eight plays before we hit five hundred, so there's still time to enter. With all of that being covered, how about we jump right into today's topic, which I wanted to compare some relationship red flags, which we have covered a bay and a couple other episodes, but I wanted to put them up against some relationship green flags and kind of focus on more on the positive kind of side of things for a nice little change. So some red flags of already mentioned would be like not respecting boundaries, being controlling, gas lighting, not properly communicating. To break those down into what they can look like in the early stages throughout the relationship, it can look like calling you a Ta's or making you feel guilty for saying no. This can be in relation to sex, sending photos, going on a date. Even if you have to cancel and reschedule a first date and...

...they try to make you feel really bad for it, then I would consider that a kind of red flag worth noting. Maybe not a maker break red flag, but if they get kind of up in arms or try and make you feel bad for not being able to do something they want to do or having to reschedule, just keep that in mind for the future. Moving on, if they're always actively trying to persuade you to change your mind in relation to dates, in relation to sex, in relation to pretty much anything, if they are constantly pushing back any time you say no to anything, that's probably them testing your boundaries, whether they're doing it consciously or not, that's them kind of testing and seeing how much they can push your boundaries and see how much they can get away with it's a pretty normal thing to do. We all kind of want to see what we can get away with. But the level at which someone does this and the frequency at which someone does this will kind of determine if it's a red flag. So if it's consistently happening and you're constantly feeling like you have to battle and kind of defend your position on anything, just keep that in mind. If they ignore your ignore your suggestions or kind of just always do what they want to do and never really take what you want to do into mind, I would again keep that in mind as an early red flag, not necessarily make or break, depending on the person. But yeah, one thing I did want to mention. There's a tick tock going around. I have only seen people's tick tocks in response to it, but I have seen the actual tick tock itself. It's about it's from this guy, I don't even know who's use your name. I it's not worth looking up either, but his whole channel, I believe,...

...or page or whatever you want to call it, is about like dating tips for men and it seems incredibly, incredibly toxic and manipulative. So this one that's going around, I've seen it pop up a couple times. He's discussed discussing about how to ensured that you get laid on the first date and he talks about controlling every single aspect of the date. Where you go, what time he will pick you up, he will decide everything, and he is saying to control every single aspect of the date will put that person in control of what happens after the date as well. There is a difference between a guy just wanting to do the traditional or gentleman thing and be like, Hey, I want to take you out on a date, let me plan everything, and what he is saying to do, which is controlling every single aspect, and he seems to be doing it in a very predatory way where it doesn't allow any suggestions from, in this case, the female or the woman that he would be taking on the date. There's a start difference. The gentleman will probably take suggestions, ask you some questions about what you like, like, the person who's really just trying to put in the effort to impress you, versus the person who's trying to manipulate you into feeling like you owe them sex after so just be aware of that difference. Yeah, just keep that in mind to sick. Talks like that really annoy me and make me want to vomit. But moving on, if they are putting you down beyond just like playful teasing, because we all like to do that sometimes, and if starre continuing to make a joke or call you a name after you have explicitly expressed that that specific joker name makes you uncomfortable or hurts your feelings or...

...has a really negative impact on you, beyond joking, if they continue to do that, red flag. That's just rude. Honestly, I have my phrases that I don't like being called. My friends can like for example, my friends can joke around. We call each other bitches all the time. But if I am arguing with someone that I am in a relationship and they call me a bitch or I am not one not wanting to do something that they want to do and I'm just kind of like in a bad mood or something and they call me a bitch, that is a hard note for me. And if someone continue to do that after I told them that, that is a hard boundary for me. That would be a red flag for me and I would not necessarily again make or break, but I would be keeping that in my mind in reference to some of these other things. If someone's constantly trying to embarrass you in front of other people for a laugh or that I've I hate this one especially. A lot of my anxiety stems from fear of embarrassment. So if someone is actively consistently trying to embarrass me in front of Friends or family or even worse, like people, I don't know, that's a huge red flag for me. It might be a more playful thing for you, but again it's you've got to have that communication and if you have and they ignore that, then that's not respecting boundaries. This one's kind of up in the air for some people, but if your partner tries to force you not to talk to anyone in the gender that your sexual preference, like, belongs to, like if you have a girlfriend and she says no, you can't talk to any other women ever or have female friends, that is toxic and a red flag. This can kind of be less toxic and less of a red flag if there is a person that is actively trying,...

...like your partner can see that they're actively trying to come into your relationship or they are actively putting that your partner down and they have a problem with you consistently keeping up this communication with someone who clearly doesn't respect them or your relationship, that is one thing, but to just make the sweeping announcement that you can't talk to your female friends, you have to delete them off social media, you can't like photos of other women on Instagram, that's a big one. I've seen that's all coming from a place of insecurity and sometimes control, and it's a discussion that needs to be had and something that can maybe be compromised on. But you just make that sweeping phrase of you can't communicate with any other women or vice versa, obviously that's big red flag. Or also just wanted to touch on intentionally making you feel insecure can also be a red flag, like the littling you casually in front of other people, pointing out things that, pointing out things that they know you're already insecure about, not great. So red flakes can look like a lot of things, so can green flags for some thing, like for some people, some things might be a red flag, others not so much. It's really going to depend on your personality, your partner's personality, your type of relationship or friendship. But if you express your boundaries and or discomfort and they don't make an effort to either have an open discussion about it or work to respect it, big red flag. But with all of that being said, we've already covered red for like so many times and they are important, but I wanted to talk about some green flicks. So when it comes to some green flags surrounding boundaries,...

...they respect them as soon as you put them out there or they able to have like that open discussion and work to understand why you might have certain boundaries and you are able to communicate and maybe come to a compromise if it's something that's not a hard, hard boundary for you. Alongside that, another green flag is you feel safe and comfortable to tell them what your boundaries are. This one can kind of be a toss up, as sometimes it's more dependent on your past and you're uncomfortable your own comfortability or your past experiences with telling people boundaries. But if they actively make a space where you feel safe to discuss those boundaries, that's a good green flick. Another green flick would be that even when you have arguments and disagreements, it's going to sound obvious, but they treat you you like a person. They don't resort to guilding newer calling you names. You're able to argue in a healthy way. Green Click. Another one is they are able to communicate their boundaries. So if they have come to the point where they have discovered their boundaries and are comfortable putting those out there and communicating them to you, that's a huge green flag. That's a lot of personal growth that goes into setting boundaries and also the ability to communicate those boundaries. So big green flag. They have their own hobbies and support you in yours. That's going to be really nice in the future when you kind of just need your separate time. You don't want to be too codependent and all that. Some other green flags they have longstanding friendships,...

...they have good relationship, like good personal relationships in their life. That's going to be a good indicator of just who they are and because you are who you surround yourself with. Another big green flag for me is they treat anyone serving them, like in the store, at a restaurant, when out whatever it is, like the janitor at them all, like whoever. They treat those people with respect. Huge Green flag for me, like Damn yes, please, that's gonna like go in a really good tally if I'm on a first date out of restaurant and they are super polite and friendly with the person serving us and like leave a nice tip if they are the ones paying. If not, then like I'll leave a nice tip whatever, but if they are having that really positive interaction with someone serving them, that's a huge, huge, huge green flag for me. Another one would be that you're proud to be with them and they're proud to be with you. They're one of those people that doesn't make your friends roll their eyes every single time you mentioned them, and they're one of those people that you enjoy telling people in your life about and you don't feel shame in mentioning them, even if you're in a fight or whatever. You still are proud to be with that person, even through the bad times, and they are proud to share you with the people in their life. Doesn't have to be on social media, because that is when I see a lot is people getting mad that their partner doesn't share them on social media. But that's just not something that everybody does. So that's conversation to be had. But if they're proud to be with you. Green flag if there is mutual trust. Huge Green flag if you do have...

...that argument and they wind up being the ones in the wrong or they've had a bad day and snip at you or whatever, if they are able to apologize. Green Flag Baby, if they cheer you on and build you up. They can if you play sports or you do art or you have some creative outlet, or just in your everyday life, if that person is sharing you on and like, enthusiastically and genuinely supporting you. Big, big, big green flag. Another one that references a past episode. If you guys have had the love language discussion and they you recognize them putting in the work to kind of aide you and make sure your love tank is full in reference to your love language and in the way that matters most to you. Green Flag Baby. Green flag is starting to sound like not an actual phrase at this point because I said it so many times, but hopefully you guys aren't too tired of it. If they we mentioned kind of the separate alone time thing being a green flag it one other one that you can kind of observe would be how they talk about people when those people aren't there. If they can compliment people and just really talk them up even when that person's not there, that's going to be a probably a good indicator of how they talk about you when you're not there. And you know what that is. That's a green flick. One thing I did also want to touch on that I remembered at the end of me writing out all these notes, is I've seen some posts recently about some celebrity dude. I don't know if he's in sports or...

...he's a rapper or whatever, fucking I don't honestly care, but he cheated on his wife and had two mistresses and these posts are so, so, so toxic. And they're taking a photo of the wife in like a bonnet and no makeup and just looking very like comfy and comparing it two pictures of these two mistresses makeup, hair done, tits out and dresses, which is not a bad thing, but they're comparing that, these two women and saying, Oh, well, if the wife would have dressed up more or if she would have put more effort in than maybe he wouldn't have. Then he wouldn't have cheated on her, like this is her fault. That's so fucked. If someone cheats, that's on them. You, if you are not happy in the relationship you are in, leave the relationship before investing that energy in someone else, whether it's sex or emotional whatever. If you're not happy in the relationship and you're not willing to work on it and fix it and communicate those things with your partner and work with your partner to get past those things, that is your fault, that is not their fault. Bringing that back to the Red Flag Green Flag Conversation, if your partner makes you feel like you have to compete with every other person in the world, there's always going to be someone hotter, smarter, Funnier, more and like just there's always going to be someone better than the person that you are with. But if you are constantly making your partner feel like they are in competition with every...

...single other person in the world, that's a red flag and that's a you problem. If you're not happy, get the fuck out, honestly. But on the flip side of this one green flag for me personally, which doesn't apply to everyone, if you both are secure enough to realize that other people are attractive or good looking, while still staying in your healthy relationship and still loving the person we're with. And you might even be to the point, or you can point out an attractive person to your partner without making your partner feel like they are in competition with that person who's attractive. That's going to be a green flag for me. Might not be for everybody. We're all at different stages in our confidence and security and relationships. But yeah, for me, mutual appreciation and understanding that other people are attractive and that doesn't mean that the person you're with is less attractive. Green Bilic. If you're pointing out hot people all the time or your partners pointing out hot people all the time and they're doing it in a way to make you feel insecure or bad about how you look, red flag. So, with all that being said, I have a shit ton of homework to get to you. I'm at the almost under my semester, like another week and a half and I'll be done. So with that, I will be signing off. Thank you so much for tuning in. Have a great weekend. Good bye,.

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