Sex, Love, And Psych
Sex, Love, And Psych

Episode · 1 year ago

Episode 1: Communication Station


A focus on communication, in all types of relationships and how we can use it as a tool for growth instead of something to be feared.

Hello everyone, and welcome to the first official episode of Sex, love and psych thank you so much for tuning in. I hope your New Year is going amazing and that two thousand and twenty one will hold so much more in store for each and every one of us then two thousand and twenty did, honestly. So, without further ado, I wanted to jump into my first topic and for this first topic I really wanted to do a really foundational piece and I want to do it on communication. I find communication is super, super important and it's often overlooked and kind of look down on. So I will be referencing communication in a lot of future episodes, whether that's communication with your friends, your partners, your family, inside the bedroom, outside the bedroom, how you communicate with yourself. I just think that so many positive things can grow when we learn to communicate effectively. I wanted to start with a little anecdote from Brune Brown's call to courage. You can find it on Netflix to some an amazing speech kind of thing from her. She's so incredible and inspiring. I love how she puts things, I love how she discusses vulnerability and how we can grow to be courageous out of a place of vulnerability. But anyway, one little piece of this particular call to courage talk that she did discussed how she was feeling one day in a conversation with her husband, and the interesting thing that she put forward that I am kind of obsessed with at this point is she started with she started the conversation by saying the story I've created. So by this she meant she was feeling very insecure.

She was feeling that he was really upset with her about I think it was swimming or something, but he just had different stuff on her, on his mind that he wasn't really communicating. So it left her in a very vulnerable, insecure place. So she started a discussion by saying the story I've created is this, and we can do this in our regular everyday relationships, friendships, anything, even at work, by saying the story I've created is that you're really mad at me for not doing the dishes, or you're really mad at me because we didn't have sex last night, or whatever the reason is. When we open it up to just putting it on display, the story that are my have created, even if we know that they're not the most logical, once we put that out there. It helps release some of that tension on our side and helps us to stop from ruminating on it, and it also allows the person we are just talking to to correct us. Or maybe it is, maybe that is why they're upset. It allows discussion and, I'll openness and honesty and vulnerability on both sides when sometimes they maybe just didn't know how to put it or they are ruminating themselves. But a lot of the time, honestly, it's probably got nothing to do with you and it's something completely different. Maybe they had a bad day at work, maybe they lost their game that they were playing, maybe they're having an argument with a friend and they are just kind of in their own heads or just at even having a bad day. We all have those bad days and sometimes, when we are sick insecure, we can see our partner having a bad day and like start to take credit for it in our own minds and create these atrocious stories so just eat away at us. With all that being said,...

I did also want to include some conversation about positive communication. We are constantly told not to let negative things eat away at us and let it out to the world and even though we might ignore without a lot of the time. That is something we hear fairly often. I just also wanted to include how we need to communicate when it's going really, really well. To you. We don't always just want to hear the bad things. We don't always just want to communicate the bad things. We also want to communicate when we love our partner, when we love our friends, when we love our family, when we appreciate what someone's doing for us, when we just appreciate their company, when they're just looking really good one day. Just will also help extra tons if their love language is words of affirmation, because I'll get to love languages in a future episode, I think, but words of affirmation. You just feel the most loved when you can, verbally or even written, see or hear that you're appreciated in your loved and that's pretty simple and it's a super easy thing to do. But I think it's also super easy thing to forget to do. When we are so focused on just communicating all the issues, we can kind of tend to forget to communicate the positives as well. When it does come to communicating the issues, I also think it's really important to do a few different things before enduring communicating some negative things, we have to let ourselves swimmer down. If it's a big issue. We just had a fight or them, it did something that made you just so mad, take some time to allow yourself to feel that anger or sadness, disappointment,...

...whatever it is, let yourself feel at this is something I learned from my therapist. Let yourself feel the negative emotions, but don't let yourself live in them. Let yourself feel them, let them pass and then try to come up with a way to communicate these issues with your partner in a way that opens it up for discussion rather than just you are in your grievances. Communication is a two way street, and also your personal issues and your personal problems and your personal emotions aren't always the responsibility of your partner, as crappy a thought sounds. Sometimes we just have to look at ourselves and see why we're feeling a certain way, and sometimes we have to be able to negotiate and give and take with our partner. Some things, obviously we have our hard notes, we have a hard boundaries, but some things there's a lot of room for discussion and you both need to be able to communicate and listen. That is the other part of communication is listening. Once you've said your peace, that is not the end of the conversation. You have to allow them to sometimes allow them some time to think and cool down and the same thing that you just did. But you just have to allow them to also share their point of view without getting into a yelling match. Negotiation is not conflict the code negotiation. It's discussion between two people. Trust me, I know that sometimes bringing these issues to a partner can be really, really hard, especially if you're someone who suffers with some some kind of anxiety like me.

But one thing I another thing I learned from my therapist, you'll hear that phrase a lot, is that before I do a scary thing like, let's say, make a phone call for an appointment, bring up an issue at work, bring up an issue with my partner, I have to let myself be anxious for a little bit and then I have to tell myself, or ask myself, what is the worst possible outcome of what I'm about to do? Okay, let's say it's airing an issue with your partner. If you two are solid and it's not just a crazy, toxic back and forth relationship. Few to are solid and you're actually partners. The worst thing that can come from bringing up an issue could just be having a disagreement or disappointing your partner or just feeling bad for a little while. So you have to look at that, assess it and tell yourself that hey, that's not bad, I can manage that, we can make it through this and do it. You have to be able to just do it, or else it's going to eat away at you and it's going to affect both of you in a very, very negative way, and I can attest to this. Keeping stuff inside is going to eat away at every single area of your relationship, whether it's directly related to the issue or not. So, as I said, the other half of communication is listening. This can also be a really tough thing to do when you're on the other side of the issue, when it's your partner trying to meet communicate something with you and just some negative or well negative, it's harder will go with negative, just some negative thing that has affected...

...them in a not so great way. Being able to listen that to them, knowing that it's not a personal attack on you and who you are and it's not them against you but it's you guys against the problem. This is a lot easier said than done because it can feel so, so scary when your partner is coming to you with an issue that they have, especially just if you have that anxiety or just so maybe trauma from childhood or trauma from wherever, past relationships. Sometimes when your partner comes to you as an issue, it can be really, really scary. But we just have to remember that it's not a personal attack on us. This is an issue that can probably be solved. We can negotiate, we can share our side without being too damaged. Hopefully the shitty feeling won't last forever and that we can get through this. And, as I said, so much easier said than done. I know, I know, communication and listening just they're simple words to say, but they're not simple actions to put forth, and I commend all of you guys were trying saying. When you do, one thing that I have learned is starting small. So if this is something that you and your partner have to work on, start with the small stuff even and recognized that getting outside help is not shameful at all. Going to your friends. It doesn't have to be a big private matter. Don't splash all your dirty laundry all over your facebook page or whatever, but having trusted people that have both your backs and have the best of your relationship and mind can be so, so helpful. And then it's not just you guys spinning around in circles trying... figure out what's right what's wrong. I'm going to a therapist when you need it. Is Not shameful at all. Everybody can use the therapist. I will, I will shell this from the rooftops. Whether you're in a relationship, whether you're single, you're happy, you're sad, you're angry, you're just a little stressed about work. Everyone can use the therapist and I know that sometimes they're they feel out of reach. Their expensive. They can be really scary to share your life with someone that you just met. I can share some resources with you. There's some therapists out there who are low income therapists. The there some that work on a sliding scale anyway. You can go singles, couples, whatever, but getting help is not shameful at all and I think a lot of people could really use to remember that now. If you are not in a relationship, you don't have a steady partner, that doesn't mean that you are free from communicating. This is an issue I have had time and time again throughout the years that I've been single, and that's I don't know it, with the hookup culture, with tinder, with just playing the game, I don't even know what it is, but there are so many people out there that are scared of communication. They're scared of the what are we what do you want? What are you looking for for me? They're scared of that conversation. But I would like to challenge all my single people out there to just get out there and communicate what you're looking for. Communicate what you're not looking for. It may scare some people away, trust me it might, but if it does, those are not...

...the people that you want to be spending your time with. Whether the sex is really good or not, you do not want to be spending time and energy with people who are scared to communicate. Even if you aren't looking for a relationship, if you're just looking for like some friends with benefits, for some hookups, for a rotation, for whatever type of area of you want that to look like, communicate with the people in it. Communicate what you want communicate how they feel or communicate how you feel. Encourage them to communicate how they feel. I have found that a lot of people are so scared of either commitment or putting off the wrong message that they just skip communicating all together and they get so scared when someone tries to start that conversation. For example, the what are we conversation, ladies and gents of the casual variety. What are we does not mean we should be in a relationship. What are we is just making sure you're on the same page, wondering where you're sitting out with someone else. Maybe this doesn't happen as much for the people who aren't constantly overthinking and stressed, but I've had this conversation so many times, or I've tried to start this conversation so many times, and it just terrifies the other person because they take me saying hey, what are we, where do you think we're at? Where do you think we're going, as me saying Hey, I love you, I want to be with you forever. One that is so far from where I'm at usually. Sorry, but I have just found that that phrase just scares so many people and if people...

...have any suggestions for what we could substitute this phrase in for, I would be forever grateful. What are we doesn't mean I'm in love with you. What are we doesn't mean I want more than what we have. What are we means? What are we? Are we just hooking up? Are we friends? Can we hang out without hooking up? That doesn't mean a relationship. Do we see a relationship happening these just if we could just all be frank and open and honest and vulnerable with the people in our lives about what we're looking for and what we see with that person, oh my goodness, the world would be a better place. Dating would not be as horandous at it as it is. I've had dudes ghost I've had these conversations that actually went well and if I say hey, where do you see this going, and they say, Hey, I think you're cool, but I don't. Don't, I don't see who's going on further than it already has. Or this is what I'm looking for and it's something that doesn't match up what I'm looking for. That is always so much better, like it's stings at first, sure, but it's so much better than being ghosted and it's so much better than just being treated like garbage. So I know this is the first episode in this is a big challenge for a lot of people, but I would like to challenge everyone who's listening to this to really self evaluate, look at the communication you have with your partner, or partners, or even casual flings or whatever. Self evaluate, look at that. Do you know where you stand with these people and do you feel comfortable sharing with them where you stand? I know this can be really hard and it's going to cause some reflection, but honestly, I think that's what I want this whole podcast to..., is kind of challenging ourselves to look at who we are, who our partners are, where we want to be and just figuring out how to get there, whether it's by ourselves or with someone else. So, with that being said, thank you guys so much for tuning in. I have been so anxious about this. I've been putting off recording these four weeks, but I would like to thank you guys for tuning in. Thank you for bearing with me. I know that the recording level and the editing level are super trash right now. Thank you for bearing with me as I navigate this new APP this new project just this everything feedback is welcome if it's constructive. If you're just going to tell me how much I suck, that get the fuck out of here. But I also wanted to add a little disclaimer that I'll probably repeat through episodes. These views and these discussions are all just my personal experience. I do study psychology and human sexuality and I have learned a lot from my therapist and other speakers of places and authority and I've done a lot of courses and stuff, but a lot of this is just my personal experience and what I've learned through all of these different avenues. So, as much as I hope that you can take from these, also know that I am not a professional at this point. I am just studying to be one and I just thought that this was a great way to get my message out there and get a good start and maybe create some conversations that maybe we aren't having. So thanks so much for tuning in yet again. I hope you can tune back in next week and that we can create something really awesome. Thanks so much, guys. Have a great day. By.

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